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News Feed History of the World: August 2012
By Susanna Wolff
The Human Attention Span: OLYMPICS! August 1, 2012 Anonymous US Government Agent: Oh, hey, did you know that Obama signed a secret order earlier this year allowing the CIA to give weapons to Syrian rebels? August 2, 2012 Barack Obama: ugh, I’m so unfriending you, Anonymous US Government Agent! Britain: Ok, yeah, we’ll give the Syrian rebels weapons too. That seems like a good idea. August 11, 2012 Syrian Rebels > Syrian Army: hey, we’re setting off bombs in public places now too. so there. August 2, 2012 Kofi Annan > UN-Arab League Peace Envoy: Fuck this. I quit. There’s no way this is ending well. August 2, 2012 The Human Attention Span: OLYMPICS! The Media: We have had to use the phrase “Pussy Riot” a lot recently. Is that even allowed? We don’t really get what the deal is with these people, but we are LOVING the accidental search traffic we’re getting. August 4, 2012 Pussy Riot: We’re a feminist punk-rock collective trying to fight government oppression in Russia. Check out our LiveJournal to learn more. The Media: I get that we, above all, should be supporting people who are trying to fight for freedom of speech, and we totally do support them, but... this is boring. If the FCC fines us for using the word “pussy” so often, we’re gonna be pissed. Iran > Syrian Government: hey, just so you know, I support you. August 7, 2012 Hindsight: not a good sign, fyi. The Pacific Ocean created the event TYPHOON FOR THE WOON! August 8, 2012 Manila: That doesn’t make sense. What’s a woon? Pacific Ocean: Fuck you. Don’t question the water. I don’t need to make sense. Now you’re covered in water. Shut up. The Human Attention Span: OLYMPICS! Mitt Romney is in a relationship with Paul Ryan. August 11, 2012 Everyone: who? August 11, 2012 The Human Attention Span: who? November 7, 2012 The Spice Girls are attending London Olympics 2012 Closing Ceremonies. August 12, 2012 The Human Attention Span: OLYMPICS! August 12, 2012 Hindsight: oh yeah, that was fun. Do you remember what happened? August 15, 2012 The Human Attention Span: Uhh...Usain Bolt...did...something? August 15, 2012 Danny Al Baaj > Switzerland: Hey, I’m Syria’s UN rep for the human rights council. Can you please let me stay with you and never ever go back to Syria? Thanks. August 13, 2012 Hindsight: not a good sign, fyi. Wikileaks > Americans: hey, the US government has been spying on you using civilian cameras. so. August 13, 2012 Americans: omg, I can’t believe my privacy is being violated like this. August 13, 2012 Americans: omg, I just ate an unfrosted strawberry pop-tart on the toilet, then looked at 538 photos of my ex on facebook. just now Todd Akin: let’s stop pretending women can get pregnant from legitimate rape. that’s just dumb. August 20, 2012 Science: nope. Women: nope. People with Brains: nope. Todd Akin: I misspoke. I meant to say that I don’t care or know anything about women, science, or learning anything about anything. August 22, 2012 Rick Santorum: Everyone leave Todd alone. I also think women are icky. September 26, 2012 Russia > The United States: I don’t like what you’re proposing to do in Syria. I’m going to make this whole thing about myself. August 21, 2012 The United States: Ugh, you always do this. I’m trying to butt into other people’s issues and then you swoop in and get offended. You’re exhausting. Historians: Yeah, this is boring. And we’re historians saying this. The Human Attention Span: This whole thing is kind of boring. I mean, I know it’s tragic and important and all of those things that would make a movie not boring, but this movie has been going on for a long fucking time. Historians: Don’t worry. When it’s finally over we’ll sum it up in like one paragraph, max. The Human Attention Span: k. can we just stop paying attention until then (and, let’s be honest, probably not even then)? Syrian Rebels: No. Don’t do that. That’s not helpful to anyone. Stop. Lance Armstrong: I’m not going to keep denying that I wasn’t doping. August 23, 2012 United States Anti-Doping Agency: k. you know that means you WERE doping, right? The Human Attention Span: ooooh. Forget Syria. Let’s talk about this until it gets boring. Lance Armstrong: I refuse to admit anything. The Human Attention Span: Wow, this story set a new record in how quickly something could get boring. United States Anti-Doping Agency: That record will not be counted. Neil Armstrong has closed his account. August 25, 2012 The Moon: R.I.P. Republicans are attending The 2012 Republican National Convention. August 27, 2012 Tropical Storm Isaac: Nah, you’re starting late. Deal with it. Hindsight: not a good sign, fyi. Barack Obama: lol.