Yay! In just a few short weeks, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise will be having their first baby together! Yay! It's so exciting, isn't it? Can you feel it, the change in the air? Well, I don't know what you plan on doing, but here's seven ways to welcome the Antichrist:
1. Children love horsies! Especially when they're escorting global damnation! So get your sorority sisters together, make some punch and have a four horsemen-themed End of Days/Baby Shower party. Turn on the Sci-Fi channel and watch the delivery live! Or better yet, take a frozen turkey, use some glitter for placenta and act out your own birth in front of friends and family. But be careful on carpets! That glitter gets everywhere.
2. Dust off that Y2K bomb shelter. You never know what the Antichrist is going to do once it takes earthly form, so play it safe and wait out any possible scenario in the safety of your own tomb. Also, best avoid hoarding food or toiletries that give off a strong scent. There's going to be a lot of undead walking around. Steer clear. Don't try to be a Top Gun.
Chip me off a peice of that!
4. Herd the flock. Sure, your campus may already have a chapter of College Republicans or ROTC, but do they have a Scientology Club? They don't? Well, you're missing out! All it takes are some whites robes, a thirst for science fiction and total insanity. On a budget? Raise some cash by selling your soul. Your friends will thank you when they're safely on the mothership. Nothing beats a birds-eye-view of nonbelievers dying in their "churches."
5. Come out of the closet. Celebrate the fruit of Tom Cruise by" celebrating the fruit of Tom Cruise. Extra points if you've hidden it enough to impregnate a hot young starlet. Now I'm not calling Tommy Boy a ballerina; I'm just saying, in the face of eternal damnation, if you own the tutu, get up and dance.
6. Move to higher ground. Admit it; you've seen Waterworld. Once the flood begins, it's Everest or die. Get out now. Salvage what you can. Tell your friends you're going for a beer run and make a beeline towards higher elevation. Remember: When it comes to the Holmes/Cruise demon child, don't be afraid to overreact. I'd say if you can see the head, you're already dead.
7. Tell your girlfriend what really happened at the boathouse. You'll feel better if you tell her now, before the end of all things. I'm just saying. Dude, Katie Holmes is having an alien Messiah. This is serious.
Dave Holstein rides in the mothership. To say hi or to sign up for his newsletter, email him.