Dear Guy Who Takes Beer Pong Way, Way Too Seriously, Greetings and salutations. I don't believe we're ever officially met. My name is Matt and we had the good fortunate of both being invited to a stellar party at our mutual acquaintance's house last night. I'm sure you wouldn't remember me from just standing around near the keg, however, but you might remember me from something else. For you and I, my friend, played beer pong against each other. And, My God, did you take it seriously. I was under the impression, as were most of the people at the party that night, that beer pong was a game and just a game. You, however, seemed to look at it as if it were the supreme test of manhood. It was as if you saw throwing a ping-pong ball into a cup to be the absolute apex of masculinity. Your unwarranted enthusiasm was alarming.
I must ask, what exactly was going through your head? I've seen professional athletes in the pinnacle of their sports acting more demure than you were. The fist pumping, the screaming, the taunting gestures, it was all over a game invented so people could have more of an excuse to drink alcohol. My favorite point of the evening was when we began play and you told me to, "watch out, because I'm the craziest motherfucker you'll ever fuck with." And this was said in complete seriousness.