When you get to college you want to make friends as quickly as possible. It doesn't even matter if you like your new friends, you just don't want to be that one kid sitting in the dining hall by himself, shaping a mound of mashed potatoes into a bas-relief of your high school girlfriend. Now when you go on a friend finding quest like this you'll do just about anything to please your new buddies and convince them that you're the kind of guy they could share some ramen with over a roaring hot pot. Plain and simple, you'll lie. You'll lie about anything, so long as it makes you appear to be cool. I lied about my ex-girlfriends, my grades, the other schools I got into, my SAT scores and even my parents; "That guy? He's not my Dad, he's my mom's boyfriend. My Dad was killed when he was younger. Maybe you've heard of him, John F. Kennedy?"

It's all well and good when you're the one doing the lie but how can you tell if one of your new friends is pulling the wool over your eyes? Well, I can't answer for all the stories they tell but I can provide you with a list of "'red flag' stories which are almost certainly false. How do I know they're false? I'll tell you how: I'm the writer and you're the reader so shut up and don't question me, that's how.

1. "I had a threesome in high school." No you did not. Nobody did. Speaking as someone who was sexually active all through high school and also as someone who is devastatingly handsome, you did not have a threesome. No high school kid is comfortable enough with themselves or their genitals to show them to more than one person at a time. I distinctly remember hearing this particular story from a kid who went on to sleep with a whopping zero people during his freshman year (I'll give you a hint: his name is me).

2. "I got arrested three (or more) times in high school." Unless you attend Beaver Creek Community Trade and Truck Driving School this is a blatant lie. Any college worth attending doesn't accept three-peat criminals. If someone tries to pull this lie on you make sure you investigate the claims. Who arrested you, local or state police? Why did they arrest you the first time? Second time? Third time? What happened when you went to court? Who was your lawyer? If you keep peppering them with questions like these you'll see that this guy's multiple arrests for "grand theft auto" may turn out to be a verbal warning for shoplifting Grand Theft Auto from K-B Toys. Loser.

3. "I wasn't in the band." Yes you were, and you played clarinet; the gayest of all the woodwinds.

4. "I won varsity states for ___________." It's hard to lie about a major sports victory, but what if the victory wasn't so major? That makes it a whole lot easier to slip a little fib through. For instance, people will call you out if you tell them that you wrestled varsity and won states. "Why don't you wrestle on our school's team?" they'll say. "Where is you medal?" But if you tell them that you won states for JV instead nobody is going to start asking questions. They'll size you up, remember that one time you got in a fight with that sophomore and decide that yeah, you probably could've won a JV tournament, even with your flabby arms and sagging gut. Hey, I did. Count it!

5. "I was adopted." Yeah right, who would give up a kid to a total stranger? I mean, my parents would barely let me stay out after dark, how could they ever let me go live forever with another family? Clearly this person is trying to invent some sympathy for themselves by pretending their parents didn't love them enough to keep them. A simple, "If your parents didn't want you then your mom would never have gotten pregnant" should refute this lie. If they insist that they were adopted and show you pictures proving that they are a different race than their parents, mumble something about the black Irish and Spanish blood. That should shut them up nice and quick. Are we living in slavery times? You can't just give away children. Nice try Mutumbo, but I know for a fact that Sheryl and Thomas are you real parents and nothing you can say will convince us otherwise. I met them on move-in day, remember?


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