Dear Cosmo Magazine Editor,

Attached please find a copy of a self-assessment quiz I constructed for inclusion in the upcoming April edition of your magazine. This is my 23rd attempt and probably my last. Especially if you continue to ignore my emails.


1) You have a date tonight with your cutie crush, Ethan from Accounting (that shaggy brown mane, those dimples!), and you've paired your favorite Manolo pumps with a brand-new Juicy Couture skirt (you know""the one that shows off just the riiiiight amount of leg). You look:

A) Fabulous! Looks like that skirt just got you a one-way ticket to Makeoutsville""population, 2!
B) Partly fabulous with a side of BLOATED (ugggh, hate PMS)
C) Like a two-bit whore.
D) Like my mom, telling me to find a job.

2) If you were a message t-shirt, you would read:
A) "Laundry instructions: Separate colors, cold-water rinse, FABULOUS MACHINE ONLY."
B) "I'm Like 10,000 Spoons, When All You Need is a Knife" (you luuuv a good ironic tee)
C) "I slept with 13 dirty Mexicans on Spring Break and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. God I am such a slut."
D) "Follow your dreams… and don't listen to your mother"

3) What good-night touch trick would you most likely use on a guy you just met?
A) A quick kiss on the cheek""Fab girls play hard-to-get.
B) Sliding your hand into the back pocket of his jeans""you're such a tease.
C) Sliding your hand into the front pocket of his jeans, unzipping his pants, and inserting his penis into your mouth""you're such a fucking slut, goddammit.
D) About to make out with him but then his mom calls and ruins everything" again!

4) You'd never be caught running out of the house without:
A) Your uber-fab Chanel shades.
B) Lipgloss and blush
C) A 64-stack of Durex condoms
D) A homing device your mom put on your ankle to keep track of your every move.

5) Your favorite part of the 1994 United States Open at Flushing Meadows was:
A) Watching Gabrielle Fab-atini and Fab-rice Santoro take home the mixed doubles crown
B) What?
C) Blowing the entire US Men's Davis cup team during the pre-game warm ups.
D) Having your shoulders get sunburnt even though your mom insisted on applying suntan lotion in between set breaks. I hate her.

6) I'm low on rent and my landlord is breathing down my neck. I should:
A) Stop writing fake Cosmo quizzes and get a job
B) Borrow money from a friend, telling them I have a great business idea that doesn't involve playing roulette.
C) Move back into my mom's house, essentially accepting the fact that bitch was right.
D) Seriously, do any of you guys have any money? Even a little bit will go a long way. I am really, really desperate here.