Have you ever talked to me at a party? No? Well, if you have and I was somewhat courteous to you, I'm afraid that I was lying. Here's a few standard things I say to people in social settings and what I actually meant by saying them"

~What I said was"


"I'll call you tomorrow."



~What I meant was"

"I'm going to pretend like you don't even exist on this shit-hole planet until the next time I have to see your fucking face at a mutual friend's party. You would have to super-glue my ear to speaker of the phone and my finger on the number 3, because that's the only way that I would ever flip through the D's in my phone book to find "douche bag" and call your dumb ass."




~What I said was"

"What have you been up to, dude?"


~What I meant was"

"Either you didn't make a big enough impression for me to remember you, or I was in a time-travel state of drunkenness" No matter what the cause, the point that I can't deny is that I have no fucking clue who you are (that's why I went with calling you "dude" instead of trying to guess your name), and chances are that if I did know you I would probably hate you. The reason that I keep asking you questions is to keep the conversation off of the fact that I don't give a fuck what you're saying and haven't been listening this whole time. Please, go fuck yourself."




~What I said was"

"Can we talk about this later?"


~What I meant was"

"Please never bring this up ever again, you self important bitch. Why can't I do anything without having you becoming a huge twat for no reason? Talking about this makes me wish I was double-jointed so I could put a gun to the back of my head, so that when I blow my brains out, I blow them all over you. That'll be a good conversation for your therapist."



~What I said was"

"I think I may have oral herpes."


~What I meant was"

"I know I have oral herpes."




~What I said was"

"I love you"


~What I meant was"

"I have no idea what's wrong with you, but I'm hoping that by saying this, the whole situation that you made up in your little female mind will be defused and there may be a possibility of make-up sex. The truth of the matter is I would rather have a cleft palette for the rest of my days than actually know any of your problems."




The only exception to this one is if I'm saying this to my mom, in which case we're probably fighting because I forgot her birthday or failed Chemistry¬Ö and make-up sex is not out of the question.