Hi, friends. My name is Amanda Dobbins, and I am going to teach you about celebrities.
A few introductory nuts and bolts before we get rolling: a "celebrity," as far as this column is concerned, roughly translates into "anyone featured in US Weekly ." These people, on the whole, are attractive, entertaining and easy to judge, which is naturally our primary objective. Our other objectives include, but are not limited to: mocking, laughing at (not with), and learning how to correctly pronounce "Chateau Marmont." We will feature Hilary Duff as often as humanly possible, because I really like her, and Kirsten Dunst will be blacklisted because she irks me like hell and also, she deserves it after Elizabethtown . Finally, yes, the title is a reference to the whole "Serenity Now" Seinfeld bit. I thought it was clever. So did my roommates.
Now to the meat and potatoes. This week's most ghastly and enjoyable story is, without a doubt, the Teri Hatcher-Ryan Seacrest makeout . Just when you thought Teri couldn't sink any lower, there she is, making out with the world's douchiest TV personality and wearing a freaking American Idol hat to boot.
The two, as luck would have it, look remarkably at ease in the photos, almost as if they knew the cameras were there and were staging a tryst to convince everyone that Teri really can land a hot younger man and Ryan really is straight. But I mean, I can't be sure. No, wait, I can. Fake.
As for makeouts not caught on film, it seems that barely legal""or famous"" Kristin Cavalleri has finally sunk her claws into Nick Lachey . The two reportedly spent the night together after a month of plotting and stalking on the part of Kristin. Moral of the story: if you are teenaged, curvaceous, and without dignity of any kind, you too can land a washed-up, cuckolded beefcake with no marketable skills. It's the American dream.
Meanwhile, Nick's soon-to-be ex-wife Jessica Simpson has been playing Angelina Jolie , lobbying Congress on behalf of underprivileged children and then announcing her wish to adopt a few such kids. There's really not a lot to say about this except that Jessica looked ridiculous on Capitol Hill and also, anything that keeps stupidity from procreating is a step forward for mankind.
As far as procreation and/or Angelina go, still no word on the sex of the Brangelina baby. Katie Holmes , however, has announced that her baby with Tom Cruise will be a boy. A three-headed monster freak boy, but a boy nonetheless.
Katie will also observe the Scientologist practice of "silent birthing" when the Gollum pops out, attempting to spare the child any psychological damage that might result from screaming or other traumatizing external sounds. A good idea, because that kid isn't going to have any other reasons for psychological damage.
Moving on to drug abuse, this week's column is brought to you by the substance Crack. Old news: Whitney Houston does it. New news: Whitney Houston makes it in her bathroom, and you can see the pictures! Special thanks to the National Enquirer for specifically pointing out the rocks of cocaine and crack pipe, as I wouldn't have known what I was looking at otherwise.
In other abuse, Gwyneth Paltrow was spotted drinking a Guinness at a sushi bar in NYC, which is incredibly boring until you remember that she too is part of the Pregnant Patrol. Her rep explained that a single Guinness is often recommended to pregnant women because of its "high iron content." It's also necessary to reach the nonsensical state in which you name your child Apple.
Pete Doherty , the drug-addled ex of equally addled Kate Moss , wins the Straight Fucking Crazy Award of the week for his new stunt, in which he purchases a brand new Jaguar rather than retrieving a towed car. Mr. Doherty has apparently bought eight new cars in the past two weeks, and Kate has still not returned to him. Just stick to flowers and an 8-ball, dude. It worked for Bobby Brown .
Finally, a gossip column these days wouldn't be complete without Lindsay Lohan , so LaLo, wherever you are, we congratulate you for going an entire week without a drug and/or partial nudity photo surfacing on the internet. Don't disappoint us again, kitten.