After a night of many a beer pong games, I sit drunk at my computer screen wondering where I went wrong. (Yea, I checked my facebook profile and still have nothing better to do, what of it) Tonight, I had a lousy 1 win and 4 losses. I am the scum of the earth and the bitch of the party. I, however, (maybe lying to myself) am not that bad of a beer pong player. I actually am decent. However, I have the weakness of playing with anyone that will team up with me. If you aspire to survive in the world of beer pong, you will not follow in my footsteps. Here I will describe to you the teammates that I myself went through tonight and that you will inevitably meet, and need to avoid, on the battlefield that is known as beer pong.
Good friend, bad beer pong player "Yea dude, me and Kraemer will take on anybody here!" I say to myself" Shit! He is a good friend, to turn him down would crush his beer pong ego and not be good for our friendship that we have. I have to go with him and challenge the two guys that have been holding down the table the whole night, even if that means I am drinking all the beer and calling the our opponents "king of the table that is known as pong." I play a game and make five shots. He makes one. This is now his claim to fame. His one shot was miraculous, game changing and worthy of kings. He pours all his beers into one cup and disperses into the party.
Hot chick, bad beer pong player "Hehe, Haha, look at me I have gadnormous tits, you want me on your team" right? Um, by the way" you're drinking all of the beer" right?" Well yea, I am. Understand though, not because I want to, but because I can't help but nod when you're all bouncy like that. If I was smart enough to grab a friend prior, I would have, but I'm not. I waited around and you offered so now I have no other choice but to laugh with you at each one of your throws that belligerently misses the table. I will laugh each time I chug down a beer for you. In the end, I will cry at night, hugging my pillow, because that embarrassing game of beer pong did not pull me any ass from you whatsoever.
Good beer pong player, ridiculously drunk Well look who lady luck decided to look down upon. Me! The best beer pong player at the party wants me to help him take on these two losers at the table. It's actually the good friend and hot chick we're up against. Super easy, right? Wrong. This guy has become ridiculously drunk since we've last meet and is lucky to hit the table, yet alone a cup. He has put me down a least five times tonight, but now we are dominated by my past teammates. Unfortunately, he pukes before he is able to help me finish the beer. Fortunately, he pukes into half of their remaining cups and they are nice enough to pardon us from drinking them.
Super (sober) hero, to the rescue Hey look, it's everybody's best friend, the sober guy. He can fix anything, drive you home, tell you your name, and best of all, play beer pong. Not true, we team up. Damn it, nobody told me he was this horrible at beer pong. "Well, I've never really played, I don't drink much." Great, I have Mr. McAlcovirgin as a teammate while I'm wasted. Not only does this cause problems with our winning situation, he doesn't take kindly to me calling him a huge vagina every time he mentions his lack of alcohol consumption. He quits early and leaves me with a forfeit. I drink the beer and search for a new partner.
Good beer pong player, good to go Don't worry, this story has a happy ending" kind of. Finally after all this embarrassment of losing in front of the whole party, all the hot girls, I team up with the perfect partner. We dominate, demolish and obliterate our opponents. Afterwards" silence. The party is no more. We are the lone losers still up at this hour playing drinking games. No girls to be found, a couple of buddies past out in the corner, and the two losers respectfully shaking our hands; this is my only reward. I'm not bitter though, there's a morale to ever story. I guess the morale of this story is, when life throws you beer pong" find the right fucking partner.
CH writer Steve Hofstetter has a new DVD coming out, "Cure for the Cable Guy." You can get it Here and make sure to enter the promo code "thecure" for %10 off.