By H. Caldwell Tanner
Every Man’s Treasure
1. A shot of two mangy, 19th century prospectors panning for gold under an old bridge. One leans on a shovel, watching the other one work.
Todd: There’s no way you’re gonna find it.
Pete: Shut up, dude! Patrick Rabinowitz swore it was buried here somewhere!
2. A closer shot of one of the prospectors panning. The other prospector is looking over his shoulder.
Todd: Yeah, but that was like two weeks ago, choad!
Pete: Well maybe if you’d stop being such a douche for like half a second we’d have a better chance of actually finding...
3. Tighter shot of the two prospectors, their faces are illuminated by gold.
4. Shot of a pair of gloved hands holding an old porno called Gentleman’s GOLD. It features a busty lady and has significant water damage. It radiates with a golden glow.
5. Two young teenage kids dressed in the same colors as the prospectors fight over the porn.
Pete: Fuck you, Todd.