Subject: Banged by a Birthright Employee
Dear Taglit-birthright Israel head person,
My name is Mindy Raf and I recently applied to go on one of your Israel birthright trips this summer. Having never been to Israel before, I can't tell how excited I am for this trip! However, this is not my reason for writing you today.
I'm writing regarding one of your employees, [Really Common Jewish Name.] I don't know if you're aware of this, but [RCJN] has gone above and beyond his recruiting duties this year, and I think he should be commended. Whatever you guys are doing to train your employees, keep it up. It's working like a charm.
I was under the impression that your employees work out of an office. That's why I was so touched when [RCJN] flew all the way to New York City for a personal sales visit. He got me drunk off sake, admitted he liked me, had his way with me, and we started seeing each other long distance. Even my mom fell for it and was overjoyed that I was involved with a Jewish boy. Of course shortly after my Taglit-birthright Israel on-line registration was complete (holding fee and all) the admiration stopped. Not even a Valentine.
But I'm not complaining. I mean yes, the ranting about Israel before, during, and after sex was a little much, but other than that [RCJN] was a perfect gentleman: buying me dinner, calling my mom to chat, and even bringing me back a milk and honey body wash from the last trip he staffed. It seemed so sincere it's scary: this boy deserves a raise!
Don't worry I'm not angry, and I'm still going on the trip. Although I do have one major concern: meeting the other girls on my trip that have also "'befriended' [RCJN]. I think once we get over the initial shock of realizing we've all been "duped" by the same birthright pimp, the awkwardness will fade. In fact, I'm sure we'll all be comparing sex stories over falafels in no time. Yet, I fear there would be one among us still scarred, and as my mom always says, "it only takes one bitter, bitchy noodle to ruin the whole *kugel."
So when placing me on a trip I hope you'll take that into consideration, and I hope that [RCJN] is rewarded for all his hard work.
Disclaimer: this letter is filed under "entertainment/humor" and is not a legitimate complaint about Birthright or any of its employees. The idea that an birthright employee continually banged an innocent Jewish girl to get her to register for his company's Israel trip is merely an idea, and should be interpreted as such.
*Kugel(Pronounced koo-gel or ki-gel is) a traditional Jewish noodle casserole
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