Any real man knows that he is nothing if he does not karaoke. In Japan, karaoke skills are held above the ability to conceive children. But it isn't just about the ability to sing in key or even know the correct words that creates a Karaoke star, it's about the atmosphere you create as a performer. In the end it all comes down to song selection: pick the wrong song and the crowd will turn on you, pick the right song and the crowd will be singing along so loudly that your horrible voice will be barely audible. Now, in Japan – Karaoke's spiritual homeland – some of the more popular songs are "Haroki Heroki," "Yamagatu Takaowa" Kinjitsu?" and "Stacey's Mom." Anybody can sing the standard Japanese songbook, but it's your ability to pick the right English language songs that will make you a god among men in this country – or "Naga Kikoki." With my guidance you'll have the party pumping in no time.

The most important thing when picking a Karaoke song is tempo. Nobody wants to listen to a slow song, especially one that is being sung poorly. Even worse is when someone picks a slow song and they're actually a decent singer. Then you don't even have the option of laughing at how terribly they sing are instead forced to sit through five minutes of what sounds like a Celine Dion tribute album. Make sure you pick a song that will pump the party full of life instead of making the party depressed, withdrawn and contemplating just, ya know, ending it all"


Ten bucks says they're singing
'Sweet Home Alabama'
Now that we've eliminated half the song book by excluding slow, self-involved songs, we need to further narrow down the song list by making another sweeping cut. This time we will get rid of any song that was not a hit for the particular artist. Even if you're a snotty music snob who insists that unknown Rolling Stones B-sides are the finest music ever created, nobody knows the words and nobody will sing along. Put your ego and your Kettle-and-Diet Coke aside for a second and focus on what really matters in the Karaoke arena: it's not your pride, it's not your image, it's entertaining the common folk. And you're not going to do that by singing "Bloody September River" you know, by Dylan?…Seriously, you've never heard it?…Oh man, it's his best song" It's from this live recording of a show he did in a barn in this little Alabama town way before he got famous" I can't believe you've never heard it." Just shut up and sing "'Like A Rolling Stone' so we can all have a good time, you smug bastard.

We're in a pretty good position now. We've narrowed down our song list to only those that are upbeat and famous. If you pick any of the remaining songs there's a good chance you'll be rocking the joint. But that's not enough. It's not a matter of finding any song that everyone will sing along to, tap along to and maybe even dance to, it's about finding THE song that people will do all of that to, but how?

There is something in the human composition that prioritizes emotions. And since the beginnings of time it has always placed the nostalgic above all else in terms of elevating ordinary feelings to real emotions. That being said, you must find a song that will remind the majority of your audience of a good time in their life. For most of us, that time is around our tenth birthday since it is the culmination of childhood and right before the awkward descent into middle school. Scan your audience, how old are they? 19? 22? 35? You'll need to establish a median age for your audience and cater your song choice depending on that figure. But how will you figure out the median age? Don't worry, I've done it for you.

You'll find more often than not that the median age in any Karaoke bar is about 24. Armed with this knowledge you can extract the date range of your song's popularity. Ideally, you'd like to pick a song from a one-or-two hit wonder since, due to their isolated popularity, those songs tend to stand out as icons for the time. This is all a lot to take in but please stay with me.

A person who is 24 in 2006 was 10 in 1992. Now that we have our year we can weed out any song that wasn't huge and by a one-or-two hit wonder in 1992. So long "Runaway Train." See ya later "Smells Like Teen Spirit." Hello" who?

It's come to this. Using my advanced Karaoke picking method we have narrowed down all the songs in the world to only one. It is, in short, the greatest Karaoke song of all time. It comes out of nowhere. Nobody is expecting it. But when it pumps through the speakers everyone is pleasantly surprised to hear it after all these years and will enthusiastically join in to help you do justice to"

"Two Princes" by The Spin Doctors.

Just like a drunk, overweight sorority girl who hates her dad, it's a sure thing. Trust me.