5 Failed Heroes - Image 1

As any die-hard comic fan knows, there are literally multiple universes out there chock-full of costumed crime-fighters and highly advanced beings. But just remember this: even super human powers aren't a guarantee against total and utter failure. Here's the proof…

Nick Fury (as portrayed by David Hasselhoff)

When Marvel announced that the brooding military man and head of S.H.I.E.L.D would be portrayed by Samuel L. Jackson, some fans expressed shock at the casting choice! Throughout the years the comics had made it clear time and again that Nick Fury's primary attributes were unquestionably his eye patch, and that embarrassing incident when he was videotaped drunkenly eating a hamburger off of the floor. Obviously, the shocked fans argued, there could be no more perfect casting choice than the Hoff. Unfortunately they already tried that in a 1998 made for TV movie, and while the man is undisputedly the king of theslow motion run through crashing surf, his take on the gruff comic commando stunk worse than the Baywatch beach at low tide.


The Rocketeer

There's an old Hollywood screenwriting rule that says, "When in doubt, add Nazis as the villains. Everyone loves routing against the Nazis!" It's a testament to just how terrible this movie is that it somehow manages to overcome this age-old truth. When the story's central high tech piece of rocket equipment is damaged in a gun fight it is repaired with chewing gum, which (although now a common repair practice on many major airlines) it completely ridiculous. One day you may find yourself forced to watch this movie, hoping against hope that this time the rocket pack will malfunction within the first 20 minutes and put both you and the Rocketeer out of your misery. When that day comes just remember- this movie has fans. And if there is one villain we can all root against it's them.


Steel

Here's the elevator pitch… Imagine Superman and Robocop have been combined into a single super suited "hero" who's primary power seems to be terrible, terrible acting. It's hard to believe but Steel was actually so bad that Shaquille O'Neal managed to squander all the praise he'd earned for his powerful performance in Shazam, and a once promising film career was derailed.


Nuclear Man

If you're lucky, you may never have had to sit through the crime against comic lovers that was Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. If you did you almost certainly can't forget the blond, vaguely Chippendale-esque nemesis that almost spelled the end of Kal-El. Dubbed "Nuclear Man" he glowed with the power of one thousand careless digital effect artists and left one lasting legacy- the continued inability of half the population to pronounce his name correctly.


The Weird Turkish Captain America and Santo vs. Spider-man

Here's where the term "failed" becomes a bit murky. While the makers of this film did fail in a number of critical ways (To correctly replicate the complicated two colors of Spiderman's costume… To obtain ANY of the necessary copyrights or permissions for the characters… To properly focus the camera at any given point during the film…) the result is nothing short of amazing. It tells the harrowing tale of Captain America and famous Luchador "El Santo" fighting Spider-man (who is for some reason evil, the leader of the amazingly uncreatively named "Spider's Gang"). Oh and also the heroes are joined by Captain America's girlfriend Julia, because of course they are. In Turkish the film is titled 3 Giant Men and is the best-case scenariowhen it comes to failed heroes.