When we were kids we couldn't wait to use condoms. I used to carry one around in my wallet in 8th grade, anxiously anticipating the day I would finally unwrap it like a glorious birthday, Christmas and Hanukah present all rolled into one. As we've grown up, we still have an intense relationship with our latex friend, but it's more of a love-hate deal. Similar to booze, the condom has an uncanny ability to take all the good feeling away from sex. Its one redeeming factor, however, is its awesome power to make sure I don't become a daddy. Well I've been working long and hard on coming up with ways to keep the effectiveness of the condom, but lose the no-feeling feeling.
Method 1: No condom. This method is easy, you just don't wear a condom. If your partner gets all bitchy and is like, "Are you wearing a condom?" just say, "Yeah." This plan works best if you have just met the girl that night and have given her a fake name. Also, it doesn't hurt to be in another town. That way, if your baby's mama tries to find you she won't know where to start.
Method 2: The "condom". This method is very similar to the first method, only without the blatant lie. When the girl says, "Are you wearing a condom?" you say, "Yeah, I'm wearing a "'condom.'" Hopefully you're doing this in a fairly dark room so she can't see the air-quotes you'll be doing. This way if she gets pregnant you can just be like, "Wasn't me, slut, I had a "'condom' on." Sarcasm is hilarious.
Method 3: The condon. This is the most genius of all the methods. The condons only similarity to the condom is that they sound very alike. The condon is actually a word I made up for a watch. Before you start having sex your partner might say, "Do you have a condom." You ignore their question and you say, "Let me put on my condon." Now you discretely slip on a watch and start boning. You never said you were wearing a condom, you sly fox.
Method 4: The Vasectomy. This is a low risk, painless and very quick operation. You can get a Vasectomy from just about anyone; they don't even need to have a license to practice medicine. I got mine from a guy washing windows outside a Starbucks. The Vasectomy is also totally cheap, around five bucks. Not to mention it's ever rising popularity amongst teens. Pretty soon you'll be able to walk into class and announce, "Yo, yo I got my "'V' done!" At which point every guy in the room will high five you.
Method 5: Just Have a Baby. Are you really so self-absorbed that you can't put another human being before you? You can't drop out of school and devote your life to your kid? What are you, selfish? Just find a smokin' hot babe, then plant your seed. Having a kid with a girl is basically marking your territory for life. So go find some prime real estate.
So there you have it, kids, a little list of methods to use in lieu of the condom. But there are other ways around our latex friends/enemies, try butt sex, blow jobs, and if worse comes to worse, kicking that bitch in the stomach.