It doesn't matter where you go on your campus, or "neighborhoods" for you community college students (just kidding, shitty teachers & living at home rule!), they are out there. I am of course talking about the shirtless male or as he is known in the wild: dipshitus majorous. As we move further past our uneventful spring breaks, where we pretended we had Irish heritage so we could black out while wearing green, sightings of the shirtless male greatly bypass the number of ways you can benefit by telling a girl you love her. (Hint: it's a lot.) It's around this time each year that the main species from the Douchebagata phylum comes out of hiding and starts frolicking around quicker than a gay teenager living with a tolerant family.
The species is fairly easy to identify in that they are simply nude from the waist up. It doesn't matter if they're playing a pickup game of basketball or trying to woo the opposite sex with an acoustic guitar, they will be sans t-shirt. Other characteristics that help distinguish this species: arm bands, a backwards Red Sox hat, a barbed wire tattoo wrapped around their sweet guns, saying the word "dank," or lighting themselves on fire to get on CollegeHumor.
This species often reside in a fraternity and will live alongside several other of its breed. Their favorite past times include arguing about who is "more queer" while lounging around in an all male residence virtually naked. This baffling species has the well-known pattern of going into hibernation during winter and once they catch a glimpse of the sun in April, there they are tossing a Frisbee around campus while you're trying to go to class and refrain from being a dirty hippy.
In his natural habitat
Although it enjoys consuming large amounts of Corona and trying to achieve superiority among the party by claiming to be able to "out drink all of ya'll motherfuckers," it also attempts to keep a somewhat healthy diet. The shirtless male knows that its popularity and amount of ass depend solely on its physical appearance and will thus pay very close attention to it. His eating habits are balanced right in-between the star athlete who keeps in great shape so he doesn't lose his full scholarship, and the anorexic girl you call fat just to watch her burst into tears and run to purge herself at the nearest bathroom. The dipshitus majorous instinctively knows as soon as their tanned, glistening abs turn into a sagging beer gut, their days of nailing shallow, empty women are over with.
You may be wondering why the shirtless male was created without any form of clothing covering their torso. Basically, this species understands that their exterior is their only quality feature and if they aren't flexing their muscles in their Facebook picture, they are just a waste of space, which they are nonetheless. While the normal male population will rely on "personality" and "intelligence," the shirtless male depends on his magnificent pecs and broad shoulders to seduce the ladies. Female species tend to be attracted to this display of apparent manhood but quickly lose interest once they discover that he is a complete jackass. Those females must then be careful as this extremely dominant and persistent species will do anything necessary to get their genitals touched. So watch your drink and don't forget your rape whistle!
This species has been around for decades. Their interest in rap music and their ability to stay above a 2.0 GPA has left scientists bewildered for decades. Though this ridiculous species has been around for years, they are just starting to become more noticeable as they evolve into poor excuses for adults. The same male who you remember posing topless in his high school senior picture is now probably the captain of the intramural polo team and enjoys rollerblading around campus with his t-shirt tied around his waist. Although they appear to be sensitive and friendly, it is not recommended that these types of males be kept as pets or boyfriends. Unfortunately the general public has a difficult time looking past their external attractiveness and willingness to chase psychologically damaged ho bags.