Transferring. The word alone sounds dirty. But kids, have no fear, because transferring is probably the best decision any college student can make, regardless of how happy you are or how good your school is.

"But Andrew, why would we want to leave all of our friends and classes and tuition behind and start all over".

Well if you stopped your bitching, acted like an adult, and looked at the facts, maybe you wouldn't be an ignorant fuck" and you'd understand why transferring rules! The simple fact is this: Freshman year doesn't really count. Oh, sure, your grades maybe, but nothing of real importance, like friends and chicks.

Everyone, even those people you "really feel you made a connection with", will be out of your life the second you go home for the summer, without exception. Once you realize this, transferring is as easy as giving your giving up the girl you got pregnant in high school's kid up for adoption. Lets get started!

Once you've finally made the (right) decision to transfer, you're going to have to pick a new school. I'd start out by going on facebook, and seeing where the most attractive girls from your high school ended up. This technique is a good one because, as we all know, attractive people usually succeed in the world, so you should try to immerse yourself in as shallow an environment as possible. As the old saying goes "its not what you know, its how good looking you are".

Once you've finally decided to go to that party school you applied to senior year but were afraid of attending because you'd (rightfully) be judged by your family, classmates, and God, you've got to start living like a future-transfer. My suggestion is to take advantage of your current "friends" as much as humanly possible, I mean, your never gonna see "'em again anyways, right. Borrow large sums of money with no intention of paying it back, steal drugs from your neighbors and blame it on their roommate just to entertain yourself; the possibilities are endless. Just use your imagination and don't be afraid to try out something new.

The reason for betraying these suckers is two-fold. The first reason is because everyone loves being mean deep down, so why not indulge, you deserve it. Secondly, making everyone hate you makes leaving a whole heck of a lot easier. It just about eliminates the need for any fake sincerity on move out day. This way, you won't even need to say that you'll call them, because they don't want you to. It's truly a win win.

The last, and one of the most difficult parts about transferring is going to be defending your decision to all of your jealous friends who were too shortsighted to think about transferring. They'll say things like "Um, maybe going from Harvard to ASU wasn't the best idea, Andrew. I mean if you really want to go to graduate school for bio-engineering you should think about what your doing to your future plans." These people are not true friends, so don't listen to them. They're just trying to stop you from being happy, but I've come up with the perfect solution. Whenever someone tries to bring you down a notch tell them this: "I understand your concerns, but I'm just trying to do what's best for Andrew" There is no good response to this. If they disagree with you, you can accuse them of not caring about your feelings. And if they say "well don't you care about education at all?" Tell them that they've never been in your shoes, and they'll never understand, EVER!

The final step to the transferring process is to create a better, cooler you for the better, cooler friends that you're going to make at your new college. This is where the entire plan comes together. Go up to your classmates, who now hate you, and ask them what they think are the worst parts about you. Since they don't like you anymore, they'll be free to be completely honest about it. Then, whatever they say you should do to be a better guy, do the complete opposite. What do those idiots know anyway?

Well, there you have it. Follow my advice and maybe, just maybe, you too can go from a top institution to a balls-to-the-wall party school.