Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
If TV Shows Were Relationships
October 12, 2012
Jersey Shore: Your Summer Fling
The ideal summer affair: fun and shameful. Come fall you'll both move on, neither of you worse for the wear. Unless of course you stumble upon each other in the winter, when you're in a different state of mind, seeing different people. When you accidentally drop a reference to your tawdry love affair, your friends will tease you about it, but you can laugh along with them it never meant anything anyway.
The Simpsons: Your First Love
Back in high school, she was your everything. People said, "Young love doesn't last," but you knew you'd be together forever. I guess you didn't "know" as much as you thought. You broke up years ago. Every once in a while you go online and see what she's been up to, then shake your head in disappointment at what you find. At least you still have the memories of those early years.
Glee: The Disastrous Blind Date
"Oh my god," your friends said, "You have to meet my friend. She's perfect!" You trusted them because, hey, they're your friends. "She's so unique, "You'll love her," "She likes music." That's what they said. All lies. You had a horrible time. She only listens to cover bands, has inside jokes with herself, and lacks basic logic skills. She was creepily earnest, and seemed to lack a sense of self-awareness. Why the hell did your friends think you two would get along? No more taking advice from the theater kids.
: The Crazy Girl Who Almost Ruined Your Life
Oof. This girl really got in your head. From the very beginning she was manipulating you, making promises she wouldn't keep, jerking you around every week until you weren't even sure what was real anymore. The smallest things were monumentally important one day, and trivialities the next. She was a tease. But rather than break up with her, she became your whole life: All you could talk about, all you could think about. People tried to tell you she was no good, but that just made you hate them. "You just don't understand her like I do," you would scream. You ended on a bad note, but at least it gave you perspective. Once you were out, you wondered how you ever got so wrapped up in the first place. I guess that will just be another unanswered question she left for you.
Iron Chef: Fuck Buddy
Sometimes you're tired of devoting everything only to have your heart stomped on. Sometimes you just want to have some fun with no feelings at all. So you turn to her. You'll have some entertainment for a half-hour (unless you're depressed and turn it into a day-long marathon), then you'll forget about each other until next time. Yeah, it's always the same, but that's the way you like it, and heck, sometimes you even learn a new trick you can try out later.
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We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.