Much like a tattoo of a teardrop on your face or your very own episode of A&E's 'Biography,' your haircut let's a person know a lot about you. Sure, it may be a bit like racism to judge someone based solely on their haircut but how else would you know not to get in the car with an Asian if it weren't for broad assumptions based on antiquated stereotypes? That's what I thought. Now, let's make a statement with hair.

The All-American: Hey there, pal! I don't know your name but that won't stop me from smiling like we've known each other our whole lives. What's that you say? Why yes, I did play football in high school. How did you know? I guess I'm easy to read, but not on the field; I was an All American QB! Don't get me wrong, I'm not all smiles, handshakes and how-ya-doing's, I get mad sometimes. I sure does P me O when people curse in front of the elderly: G-darn, shoot, fork, I hate them all. Oh, and it really bakes my bread when people litter in the dormitory; hey guys, we all live here! I also don't like when girls say no to me: I'm a winner, I take what I want whether or not she says OK. Yup, that's little ol' me!

The Shag: Oh man, what time is it? sniffs, rubs eyes I was just taking a bitchin' nap. Shit dude, I have a paper due in, like, ten minutes. Can you do it for me? No? That's cool, I'll just send my prof an email saying I'm sick or some shit. Oh dude, I was fucking WASTED last night. No, seriously, I was very, very drunk. How drunk? I was so drunk that I tried to beat off when I got home and had to stop because I knew it would take too long. Yeah dude, nothing sadder than that. Oh man, can you put the blinds down a bit? Thanks, I wanna get baked before I jump in the shower; finish what I started last night. You don't mind if I use your soap, do you?

Shaved: Can I ask you a question? PAN-FUCKING-TERA! You fucking right that's not a question because there is no question about which band shreds the hardest. PANTERA, MUTHERFUCKER! Yeah, System of a Down can slam and Godsmack is cool, but nothing makes me want to punch you in the balls and then punch myself in the balls quite like Dimebag Darrel shredding on his axe (RIP, brother). What sucks is that my school paired me up to live with this turbo-fag named Clement. He plays fucking clarinet, can you believe that? He gets all whiny whenever I put on my "'Tera and slam around the room. He's such a pussy. There's only two kinds of people in this world: those who play instruments that Pantera would play, and those who play the faggity clarinet.

The Sitting Bull: Me like-um long hair. Nah, just kidding, I'm not a Native American but I do respect them as a culture and as a people. I wear my hair like this because I like the way it feels when I'm running down the Ultimate Frisbee field. Yeah, some kids call it the football field, but whatever. Anyway, it's really an ideal haircut for my chilled out lifestyle. Whether it's making thinly-veiled allusions to my love of smoking herb or just listening to music for hours and hours, this hairstyle is perfect. Yeah, I get some swag caught in it from time to time but that's nothing my twice-a-year all natural honey-ginseng shampoo from New Mexico can't fix.

The Bowl: MOMMY! I went dookie in the pot-pot all by myself! YAY! Mommy? Oh yeah, mommy doesn't live with me at college, but that hasn't stopped me from looking like I need a diaper change. People often ask me why I have the same haircut I did when I was four and I always say the same thing: why fix something that isn't broken? Back then everyone said I was so adorable, why would it be any different now? Plus, why all my friends are spending boatloads on hair gel and hair cuts I'm saving tons. All I need to keep my style fresh is a reasonably sized cereal bowl and a willing roommate. Ooh, hold on a second" MOMMY! Come look at this drawling I did on my book! MOMMY!?

The Jafro: Holy shit, check out how fucking wild my hair is. Isn't it crazy that I wear my hair like this everyday? I wouldn't say I'm a practical joker – I'm much too smart to be pulling stupid pranks – but I would say I'm somewhat of an observationalist. Like, I can easily pick out your flaws and exploit them to my social advantage. My wacky hairstyle only serves to underplay my biting wit making you think I'm more of a good natured jokester than a total asshole. Yeah, I know philosophy and shit but I don't like to talk about it too much. I mean, it's not like most people would really grasp what I was saying anyway. I'd much rather discuss my hairstyle in psychological terms (yeah, I know that stuff too). My wild, fro-like "'do is a visible manifestation of my inward desire for filial acceptance as a non-aggressive "'member of the group' and my outward desire to have chicks touching my hair all the time. Man, I love scalp massages.

The Emo Slice: Whatever. You wouldn't understand.

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