Do you enjoy the warm company of a woman? Would you like to settle for nothing less than a handshake at the end of each date? If you are like me and said "boy, would I ever!" then sit back and let this proven plan work its magic. First, you have to find the lady that you fancy. The most efficient way to do this is to find the girl who appears to have the lowest self esteem and ask her out on a date. Then, hypothetically, let's say she didn't notice you staring at her cleavage and she accepts. Congrats, you just scored a date. But how will you "score" score with her, you ask? Sit back, listen, and learn.

First of all, you need to remember these two important facts: girls love mysterious men and girls love chases. They love both of these things almost as much as they love over-analyzing things, having boobs, and reading satirical articles that portray women in a negative light. So, I recommend sitting back and allowing me to give you the roadmap to Lotsofsexualactivitytown, population: YOU.

Never answer your phone: this will merely keep the girl in suspense and she won't know where you are or what you are doing. She will naturally assume you are thinking of her and buying some of her favorite type of flowers. She's funny like that.

Insult her on the date: Sometimes girls get a little cocky and think that their three hours of primping before you take her out "matters" and "that you care." Once again, that's just one of her little quirks so you'll want to keep her on her toes by making a comment about her face being ugly. Or, to avoid a messy confrontation (assuming she'll get all uppity from that remark), I'd suggest waiting until the waitress comes to take your order and immediately ordering the most expensive meal for yourself (the "most expensive" part will make sense later) and a salad for her. She will thank you for keeping an eye on her figure for her and you will resume your pleasant small talk.

Stand her up: There's so much pressure on first dates that sometimes it's best to not even have one. Tell her you will pick her up at 8pm sharp and then never show up. When she calls to see where you are, ignore the phone and if necessary even go to a strip club. Girls love that aloofness and she won't be able to help but get as moist as a delicious cupcake.

Tell her she "looks beautiful tonight;" hand her a single rose: Just kidding, loser. Don't do that.

Don't partake in chivalry: It's the 21st century! Women are equal (not counting salary) and they should be treated as such. You see, when you don't open car doors, regular doors, or your wallet, it makes girls feel independent. And here's a newsflash: women LOVE their independence. If you don't believe me, ask her what she thinks about women having the right to vote and see what her opinion is. You'll probably find that I'm right again as usual. It may sound strange, but the less you spoil her, the more groping you will be entitled to later. (Seriously, there is a strong correlation.) If you're really looking to win big, let her pay for the entire meal. And don't do the "Oh-no-I-insist-upon-paying-for- everything,-no-no- I'll-take-the-check-no,-allow-me,-come-on,- okay,-okay-fine-then- I-feel-we-should-split-it-50/50." Simply don't bring any money with you on the date.

When the check arrives, simply slide it over to her side of the table and wink at her. You might as well start putting the condom on right there in the restaurant, stud.

Don't wear a condom: After being escorted out of the restaurant for applying a condom to your naked body in public, you will be goin' back to her place to fuck ever so sweetly. When you get there, she'll probably be all like "Oh, get another condom out and put it on. I only partake in safe sex." Whatever, condoms are for pussies. (NOT literally though – try to keep up with me here!) With this strategy you can almost guarantee yourself a 2nd date/illegitimate child because you guys can bang but then after you leave, she gets another mystery to speculate over" for 30 days. I call Shotgun on being the godfather!

Questions? Comments? Concerns? E-mail Jake at JakeKlocksien@gmail.com or visit himat his blog.