After Red Bull sponsored Felix Baumgartner's 23-mile-high jump, we investigated what other beverages are planning to do to top this stunt.
Tequila: Longest Fall from Grace
Tequila will lift a man's spirits to their highest point ever by gathering all his loved ones in one place on his birthday. He will then experience the longest fall from grace when he takes off his pants and loses a fist fight against his Aunt Ruth. Scientists hope to learn about the effects of losing all dignity in an extremely short period of time.
Kombucha: First Human to Break the Smug Barrier
Kombucha will attempt to have a person's words travel faster than the speed of smug. One brave woman will explain the benefits of kombucha will simultaneously scoffing at you for knowing nothing about it. A person traveling faster than the speed of smug is actually unable to hear the stupid shit that is coming out of their own mouth, but observers will be able to hear it all at once as a confusing, ridiculous cacophony. This phenomenon is known as a "smug boom."
Whiskey: Farthest Launch of Tirade
Whiskey will see just how far one man can launch a constant stream of opinions. This person's thoughts are expected to fly several dozen feet, so that even a person on the other side of the bar will know why one kind of whiskey is spelled "whiskey" and another is spelled "whisky." This is particularly impressive, since opinions this small are more resistant to people giving a shit.
Herbal Tea: Exploration Into Deepest Sleep
The deepest part of sleep is largely unexplored. One woman will be equipped with a fluffy blanket and a creased, well-handled collection of Emily Dickinson poems to send her far below the surface of consciousness. While under, she will have almost no protection from the strange thoughts that have adapted to survive in a world without logic or reason.
Water: Surviving being Stranded in a Kitchen Island
Water will see if a small group of co-workers can survive by a kitchen island without dying of boredom. Though they will have each other to talk to, the talk will be far too small to be satisfying, containing deadly topics like the weather, what they're currently eating, and pet stories. Words, words everywhere, and not a thought to think.
Beer: First group to Circumnavigate the Block
Beer will send a group of indecisive people around the block to see if there's some other bar with better prices and better beers than this crummy bar. The group will make several stops at other bars, standing outside, debating whether its too loud, before ultimately continuing on their circular route and returning to the bar they started from. This trip will test the limits of modern social dynamics, who knows what the future can hold if ten people can travel all the way around the block without making a single decision.
Coffee: First Man to Land in the Office on Time
In perhaps one of the most technically difficult journeys, coffee will launch one man out of bed, into a shower, onto a train, through a series of complicated tunnels and into an office building. A significant amount of propulsion is needed to let a human escape the pull of the bed's comfortable influence. Any small mistake anywhere in the journey could lead to extreme tardiness, or even unemployment. Success will offer some insight into whether a man is withstand the soulless vacuum of the Office.
Gatorade: 24 Hours Spent Buried Under Regret
One man will spend 24 hours buried alive under the memory of the previous night's drinking. In spite of a full day spent questioning every decision made the day before, he will emerge seemingly psychologically undamaged and repeat everything he did the following weekend.