creation

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

And God saw the light, that it was good: but maybe not the best thing God had ever made, you know? So God got kind of discouraged.

And God figured whatever, he's not going to start over now, so He called the light Day, and the darkness He called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

Then God spent the second day figuring out how much stuff he had left to create and dividing that by the hours in the next five days, so that if he created a little bit every hour starting on day three, he could have a couple cookies and nap for the rest of the second day.


Adam and Eve

The Lord God had commanded, Ye shall not eat of the fruit of the garden of knowledge, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.

But Eve was really hungry and had a headache because she had been too lazy to make dinner the night before so she had just eaten a bunch of dry Cheerios. So she cut off a tiny piece of the apple, so small there was definitely no way God would see it, and she ate of the fruit. And then she was still hungry so she took a tiny bit more.

And her eyes were opened, and she knew that she was naked, and she hid from God partly because she was naked and partly just to avoid confrontation about the whole apple thing.


Noah and the Ark

So God said to Noah, This is how you are to build it: The ark is to be three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide and thirty cubits high.

And Noah said, I don't know what a cubit is. Can we please call a contractor?

And God said no, which Noah thought was kind of a dick move, and God told Noah to take two of all living creatures, a male and a female, into the ark.

And Noah said, That's going to take a really long time. I mean, every animal? Like, bacteria and platypi and mole rats and stuff?

And God repeated his commandment.

And Noah said he would do all that the Lord commanded him, but he said it in a really tired way and sighed a bunch so that the Lord would see how hard this was for Noah.


Abraham and Isaac

God said to Abraham, Abraham! Take your son Isaac and sacrifice him as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.

And Abraham freaked out and Googled "what does it mean if you hear god talk to you" and spent the next few hours reading terrifying Yahoo answers pages. Then finally Abraham snapped out of it and made an appointment with a well-reviewed Psychiatrist uptown.

Early the next morning Abraham got up and set out for the Psychiatrist's office. He traveled for one day. Then he spent a second day in the Psychiatrist's waiting room flipping through old copies of The New Yorker for the cartoons.On the third day the Psychiatrist came into the waiting room and said, Abraham! Abraham!

Here I am, he replied.

The Psychiatrist said, Do not lay a hand on the boy. Do not do anything to him. We're going to put you on some anti-psychotics.


Moses and the Ten Plagues

And Moses said to the Egyptians, Thus saith the Lord, About midnight I will go out into the midst of Egypt and all the firstborn in the land of Egypt shall die.

And Moses paused for a second and then added, to be clear, Again, thus saith the Lord. Not me. Don't shoot the messenger, you know? Heh. Ah... and Moses laughed uncomfortably. Moses hated having people mad at him.

There was loud wailing throughout Egypt, such as there never had been and never would be again. And having to attend all those baby funerals with everyone glaring at him was so distressing to Moses that he pretended to have a speech impediment and made his brother Aaron speak to the Egyptians for him after that.