Attention hot girls:

You are not dorks. You are not Nerds.

Please adjust your MySpace page accordingly.

Me and my friends are such DORKS in this picture!

No you are not.

"I know my smile makes me look like a DORK, but I can't help it"

No it doesn't and stop scouring for compliments.

I'm such a NERD for putting lotion on my supple young body!

As delighted as I am to hear from you I'm sorry to say no, no you are not.

Did you walk around in high school quoting Monty Python? Do you know who Tom Servo is? How many action figures are on your desk? Do you have your own website? Wait let me finish. Do you have your own website and have you had one in one form or another since 1998? I didn't think so.

Being a good-looking girl you are the exact opposite of a nerd. In fact one of the definitions of being a dork/nerd: not getting close to in anyway a good-looking girl like yourself. By claiming to be a dork you are in fact creating a mixture of dork and anti-dork that could potentially implode to form some kind a black hole, sucking in all intelligent thought from those around it.

Are good-looking girls capable of being smart? Yes of course, plenty of them are. Oh and thanks for asking you sexist prick. However the Ven diagram depicting the girls who call themselves dorks and girls who are smart works out to two circles on opposite ends of the earth. Just for fun I'd like to point out that you get the same result between girls who call themselves dorks/nerds and people who know what a Ven diagram is.

Let's make it clear what you are associating yourself with here: Actual nerds and dorks everywhere are still feeling the sting of Episode I and are reeling from the news that J.J. Abrams will be taking helming the next Star Trek movie. Many actual nerds and dorks have acne, backne and of course the dreaded forearmne to deal with. Do you really want to tangle with forearmne?

Having spent my formative years living among dorks and nerds I find this highly offensive. After all Nerd-kind have had to deal with over the years (with only a brief period in the eighties when we had Revenge) at the end of it all we should be the only ones who get to call ourselves nerds and dorks, and not let folks who actually enjoyed their high school years jump on the bandwagon. It's like when white kids from the suburbs call themselves the N-word, only less funny.

Young good looking girls of the world please don't take this the wrong way. You serve many important tasks in our society. For example I happen to know for a fact that you on occasion go wild. You also fill our pop charts & malls, flirt with drunken bar patrons for sizable tips and have motivated a majority of human accomplishment. (Einstein? Just trying to get laid) Plus I've been told you do lots of legitimate, worthwhile, less stupid things that also happen to be less funny to mention. But you have to stop calling yourself dorks. Keep this up and I might not let you do me.

Lingering uncomfortable hugs,

Mike Trainor

Mike Trainor is a nationally touring comic who can be heard each week on Sirius Satellite Radio's Four Quotas. Check him out at