Have you ever been to a house party where all the best looking girls are in the middle of the living room dancing in a little circle? Every once in a while a girl will break away from the pack and try to lure a guy from the couch to come bust a move with her. But most guys don't look forward to dancing like a moron as their friends look on, scrutinizing every fist pump and awkward clap. That's why I've been working on some dance moves you won't be embarrassed to do in front of your guy friends, no promises as to whether or not the girl will want to keep dancing with you.
The Baby Shake: An instant classic. You start out just swaying and patting an invisible baby's back, like you're trying to stop it from crying. Try cooing along with the music like you're singing a lullaby. When the song picks up you start screaming at your imaginary baby, then you proceed to shake it furiously until the song starts to fade out, as the music quiets, you stop shaking and smile, now place the make-believe baby in the nearest trash receptacle.
The Banging a Fat Chick: Simple. I'm sure you're all familiar with the dance move where you hump air and pretend like you're spanking someone. (And if you frequently use that move, you're definitely familiar with banging fat chicks) Do that dance, but bigger. Thrust your body as you stretch your arms out as far as they'll go in an attempt to wrap them around the fattie's waist, which is at least four feet wide. When the music gets low pretend to pull her hair back in a pony tail and while holding her mane in one hand, bring your other hand to your mouth in a shush sign and whisper, "Don't turn around, don't turn around." Also good for The Banging a Fat Chick Dance: Grimacing.
The Roofie: This is the dance move where you bob your head and skip around the room looking for prey. When you find an attractive girl simply approach her, still head bobbing, and pretend to crumble something into the drink she's holding. Just as she starts to react take her hands and look deep into her eyes, "Don't worry about it" you'll say, "come on babe, let's slow dance." While you're dancing with her remember to keep checking your watch and don't forget to ask incessantly, "How you feelin', tired?"
The Horrible Odor Whose Source You Can Not Determine: For this slick dance move you just kind of stand in place moving your shoulders. Next you start to distort your face in disgust as you look around the room. Finally you plug your nose and gag. The next step is to casually bend down and sniff the butts of random strangers. If and when you get punched in the face, just exclaim, "Whoever denied it, supplied it!" Then try to high five someone.
The STD Giveaway: To do this dance you just quickly find a partner- she doesn't necessarily have to be willing- and grind your heart out on her leg. After clutching to her body and rubbing your crotch on her for at least thirty seconds you let go and, through your panting, say, "Ha! Now you have it." Repeat as many times as you can before someone's boyfriend karate kicks you.
So that's it. A few pretty simple dance moves you can try out at the next party you go to. Don't worry about trying them all in one night, after busting out just one or two of these moves at a party you're bound to make all kinds of new friends. You'll have all of them just begging you to come tear up the dance floor at their next shin-dig.