I've decided not to waste anymore time trying to climb corporate ladders. Work really isn't for me as it has oddly turned out. I'm smarter than everyone else, and I always know what I'm talking about""even if it looks like I don't, I really do, because that's just meant to confuse you. Because of my unique qualities (not to mention my chiseled abs and stunning good looks), I should be appointed as CEO of a major corporation.
My reasoning continues below. You'll note I've not attached my resume, because only total losers have resumes. And besides, that Resume Wizard thingy in MS Word is confounding as hell.
I don't mind taking three hour lunch breaks.
It takes considerable talent to commit to reservations at a fancy restaurant ever day for lunch. Ever tried reading through a French menu and deciding between the Aile de Raie aux Câpres or the Emincé de Volaille sauce Roquefort Pommes de terre sautées? Just writing that makes me dizzy. I have the dedication to commit to a one hour, two hour, three hour or maybe longer meal time everyday.
I don't mind firing people. In fact, I love it!
Whoever said dismissing employees was a chore? I've been practicing since I was five. While my sister had her tea parties with Raggedy Ann and Barbie, I was telling G.I. Joe, "Sorry man, you gotta go." The Ninja Turtles, Hulk Hogan, Spiderman, the Ghostbusters, and He-Man""you name em', I fired "'em.
I'll bring culture to your company with my refined taste in coffee.
Think I'm the kind of guy who'll settle for an average cup o' joe? Think again, Mortimer. I'll up the snob factor by five fold in your office with my requests for dark roast Guatemalan with two dashes of Cuban cane sugar and a squirt of Himalayan goat's milk.
My wardrobe will make your staff sweat with envy.
No one sports a Brioni like me. As your CEO, I'll make it my duty to ensure my underlings are reminded of their lowly stations as they see their sad reflections in my shining new sports jacket.
I won't hesitate to sleep with my hot personal assistant.
Aren't you sick of playing Who's Sleeping With Who? in your office? You'll always know my latest conquests because I'll have my name tattooed on their foreheads. Better equip my office with a sturdy desk.
I'll foster a cult of personality in your company.
Have trouble with Peter the Procrastinator or Mary McNever-Comes-on-Time? Fret no more. I'll have your wayward employees goose stepping to me in no time with my baby-face grin and stirring speeches from the lectern. Chairman Mao's got nothin' on my sexy thighs and magnetic eyes. This time next Christmas they'll have forgotten all about that Jesus fellow and be caroling about me.
I'll let everyone be my Secret Santa.
Speaking of Christmas, aren't you tired of fussing over names for Pollyanna? I'll gladly share my Christmas spirit by leaving a jumbo-sized box outside my office to make leaving my presents convenient for all. I'll even let everyone huddle around my office Christmas morning as I open gifts so they can vicariously enjoy my experience.
So, there you have it. I don't just bring something to the table; I bring a whole new table. The kind of table with a hole in the middle, big enough just for me to sit in so everyone can admire me while I eat. Yeah, I should be a CEO.