You wake up hungover, covered in your own urine, not next to a woman, and for some reason you have a Todd Rundgren song stuck in your head. "What happened to me last night?", you may ask. We'll here's what happened: You went to a girl's house for a party and you let the girls play the role of D.J. all night. What a mistake you've made.

When you get to this party it seems normal enough, but you just walked into a mixture of alcohol and shitty pop music, which when put together are not unlike quick-sand. Many believe that alcohol only impairs your judgment, ability to not call ex-girlfriends and/or motor skills, but it also allows you to tolerate extremely shitty music. These girls know that, and as soon as you start getting drunk they're going to use this to ruin your night (life). I'll start from somewhere in the middle of the night.

90's music that you liked" in the 90's


Approx. Blood Alcohol Content: 0.071

Scenario: Some time has past since you arrived and everything's fine, until" . One of the drunker girls thinks that playing "Go Ninja" by Vanilla Ice will make people laugh, but instead nobody even acknowledges her. She's actually found a way to embarrass herself along with the whole party. Her friends feel a nameless anxiety rush over them and they feel obligated to cover for their idiot friend by raising their drinks and/or giving the patented head-flick while saying, "Yeah!"" but that's all they can come up with. Adding anything else would just mock her further.

Inner Thoughts: "What a fucking idiot. I can't believe she played the song from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II" wait, what were those mutated animals from that movie?… They weren't Bebop and Rocksteady. They were different" more" spikey?" (you break your concentration long enough to notice one of your guy friends is dancing) "Oh God No! Must escape." Before your friend looks to you for some fake reassurance, you slyly slip into the kitchen and start searching for food you can eat or shit that'll be worth stealing later, "was Bebop the Rhino, or was that Rocksteady?.. I want some poon tang"


Early 90's Pop Music that you shouldn't like


Approx. BAC: 0.102

Scenario: Your drunken state of mind is not only allowing you to think and say shit that should classify you as a sexual predator, but you are also beginning to tolerate and respect less reputable music. One of the drunk girls at the party flips through the community Ipod and chooses a song not unlike Amy Grant's "Every Heartbeat". You moan in disgust along with every other guy at the party (eventhough you have this song on your iPod), but for some unknown reason, no one gets up to turn it off" could it be sheer laziness or something much deeper?

Inner thoughts: "This song might be underrated, but I'm not sure" Is that a fire?… Where's a mirror? "'" ♫(humming)♫ Every heartbeat bears your name, loud and clear they state my claim'♫" I think that's a thong" Is rugby edible?…" (you look at a framed picture of some girl, possibly a little sister) "hmmm, Not bad for a 13" no, wait" 12 year old", you're not even able to concentrate long enough to make eye-contact with anyone, "" What smells like Christmas trees?… (humming again) ♫"'my river runs true-blue, cause every heartbeat belongs to you" ♫'


What is this?


Approx. BAC: 0.184

Scenario: You're becoming more and more delirious and nearing the point of either passing out, vomiting, or falling on something that will probably be made of glass. A girl decides that for the sake of the party she'll put on one of her CDs. This CD is probably a recording of some band that nobody's heard of or her cousin's folk, Christian trio. Everyone goes outside to smoke because she refuses to let anyone touch the stereo, but before you can escape again, she pulls you aside to let you know everything about this awful band. She's not bad looking so you stay, and you seem to be genuinely interested so she keeps talking.

Inner thoughts: "eye-contact, eye-contact. Maintain eye-contact. Maaaintaaaain eye-contact." She turns her head toward something you can't see. "tits, tits, look at those tits! Nice. Awesome tits! Can't touch, but look at tits." She looks back toward you. "Back to eye-contact, eye-contact. Keep nodding and focus on pupils" she laughs at something so you fake laugh for no reason, "what the fuck is she laughing at? Eye-contact" "

(fast-forward 25 minutes)

"-contact. Nod and Focus." She turns away again. "Oh, sweet rack. Rack and tits. Oh, sweet Jesus H. Rack."


I am soooo awesome


Approx. BAC: 0.242

Scenario: You leave the bathroom having finished dry-heaving up hot spit and attempting to pep-talk your penis out of his coma. Once you leave two girls go into the bathroom to plot out how they're going to cock-block you later, and by this point in the night this fact fills you with indifference. You walk back to the party, making sure that you ram into each side of every threshold you "walk" through. You finally make up your mind to let everyone know how much this party sucks and how cool you are before walking 3 miles back home. You stumble while humming Todd Rundgren's "Bang the drum all day", which you hear blasting as you walk down the street.

Inner thoughts: By this point you're pretty much just noticing shapes and colors while thinking, "left, right, left, right" . "'♫I don wanna blay" . Jus' bang on my drumb all day♫'."


Now that you know, don't make this mistake again. Don't let drunk girls pick music because it could easily result in a brain hemorrhage or some other kind of internal bleeding