It is now the end of another school year, and we all know what that means? It is time once again to say farewell to a cast of characters from your life that you will probably never be seeing again. Whether it is leaving your crap job at the coffee place, returning home from a study abroad program, or leaving the dorm, there are people with recurring personalities that you will be saying goodbye to throughout your life and never seeing again. You will shake your head in regret, shake hands, promise to stay in touch, but you are indifferent to what is transpiring and you might as well be saying goodbye to a desk or a refrigerator. Really it is just a human template you will be saying farewell to, again and again for the rest of your life and here is a letter to some of the classics.
To That Weird Creepy Guy,
Dude, you have always just really given me the creeps. I avoided having to talk to you every chance I got. If I saw you coming, I would change the trajectory of my path hoping you wouldn't see me and I wouldn't be stuck having to talk to you while I walked to class. Is every single thing you say weird? No, every now and then you seemed like a normal person. And who knows? Maybe there is some weird ass community of people somewhere that you would fit into perfectly. I however, found your presence completely intolerable. For example, why do you get dressed up for random holidays, occasionally ride to class on a unicycle, and randomly offer people granola bars all the time? It may not be deliberate, but quite honestly, you would creep yourself out. Now, after months of avoiding you every chance I got, I am finally getting what I have wanted since day one: never seeing you ever again. But now you are inconveniencing me one last time by putting me in the awkward situation of pretending like I regret this predicament. Don't get me wrong. It's not like I truly dislike you. Frankly, I feel kind of bad for you so I can't be hostile. You will get some bone-dry pleasantry like, "Wow, the year sure went by fast" It was really nice having met you" I'm sure I'll see you around next year" " but believe me; I am taking great comfort in the fact that the odds favor me in never having to speak to you again.
To That Person I Failed To Notice,
You were such a quiet, decent, and uncontroversial person that I completely failed to notice that you even existed. Its not that I particularly liked or disliked you. The truth is I never even had the chance of forming an opinion of you. When I say goodbye to you I will be on the cusp of claiming that I have never seen you in my entire life.
While making the rounds in my goodbyes of the group we are connected through, it will feel like we are meeting for the first time. Odds are, I will have to be reminded by someone as to what your name is. As I shake your hand, look you in the eye and try to think of something to wish you luck about, I will certainly promise that we will keep in touch. The moment you leave my line of vision however, thoughts of you will never enter my conscious mind again.
To That Person Who Mistakenly Thinks They Have Had A Big Impact On My Life,
In your sick and demented mind, it seems that you have come to believe that you have are responsible for me evolving and maturing for the better since you came into life. You are always a mildly unattractive girl who I have been by chance occurrence been forced to spend large amounts of time with due to us being coworkers. You really seem to think that you know me really well and you will have the nerve to claim that I have improved and advanced as a person on account of your influence. You will attempt to take credit for attributes that were at first not apparent because my natural instinct was to ignore you completely so as not to waste my breath on you. As I began talking to you, you have become convinced that I have overcome my shyness and that I am developing as a human being right before your very eyes. The truth is, my natural instinct of completely ignoring you was simply overpowered by boredom.
To The Person Who Thinks We Are Better Friends Than We Actually Are,
I find it kind of strange that you seem to be legitimately unsettled that we are never going to see each other again. I mean, the truth is, I never really liked you. While I shake your hand and say farewell, you will probably attempt to stall by reminding me of humorous stories you were involved in like, "remember that time you threw Arciero's drip plate out the window? Every time he used his Forman Grill the rest of the semester he got grease all over!" Yes, of course I remember. It was just a few weeks ago. You will insist that we keep in touch and very likely contact me on facebook and myspace. You are the type who will suggest we get the whole group together in a few months and take a road trip or maybe fly out to Vegas. As I look at you in disbelief and half-heartedly feign interest, and pity that such absurdity would seriously cross your mind. It really is kind of sadistic to fuel these ridiculous notions that we will travel to see one another when the truth is I will seriously consider rejecting your friend request on facebook.
To The Person I Dislike,
How funny it is that circumstance has put us in the awkward position of having to say goodbye to one another when such a strong mutual hatred exists between us. Luckily, many times our farewell will come in the form of a condescending smirk and neither of us will have to say anything. How nice it is, not having to dapple in bullshit pleasantries with such an asshole as yourself. Other times however, we are in the process of saying goodbye to our mutual acquaintances and we are put in the awkward position of having to say goodbye to one another. It would be a dick move to be openly hostile in such a setting. Often times we will still be able to get by without having to say anything but many times we will cross paths and our instinct to say something will be inescapable. You or I will emit a pleasantry such as "Good luck" or "Take it easy" or perhaps, "It was nice meeting you" but a tense insincerity will hang in yours and my words that will not be lost on either of us. At the very least, when no one is looking I will nudge you and give you the finger.