Dear Guy who sat in front of me in Psych 101:

It's been a very long time since my Junior year- but the more think about it the angrier I get. I need to let you know, for myself, that I think you are the reason I got a crappy grade. So if you are out there today, in an insignificant office job, or in the front of an elevator, or on public bus or wherever the hell you are today- you need to know about this problem.

In short, your neck hair is disgustingly hypnotic.

It's painfully distracting. I can't hear the professor. I can't hear the TA. I can't notice if there are any hot girls in the class. And because you always sit directly in front of me- I can't look away. (Picture Alex in "'Clockwork Orange,' with his eyeballs stapled open to watch Nazi films.)

I'm curious- is it that you don't know about it? Haven't you ever rubbed the back of your neck? Don't you have one friend out there who is willing to broach the subject? I'd pass you an anonymous note if I had the nerve. Are you all alone in your pathetic hairy neck universe? Aren't you at least a little bit hot?

And so long as I have your attention, could you not breathe so heavily. I'm behind you and I can hear you. I've made eye-contact with the poor sucker sitting next to you and we formed a silent, "I hate the hairy-neck-guy" club. That's right, we keep wishing that you would stop breathing completely. I keep looking around for more members to join our club- but some people are actually able to tune you out and pay attention to the class.

Like the girl sitting next to me. She's actually taking notes! I had to interrupt her and whisper, "check out hairy-neck-guy in front of me." But I whispered it loud so you would hear. Then I closed my eyes hard and wished that you heard me and quickly shaved that nasty, sweaty hairy neck of yours. But when I opened my eyes a few seconds later it was still there. And the girl next to me told me, "Shut the fuck up – I'm trying to take some notes here." Now she won't sit next to me anymore.

So if I were back in college I would move in the middle of class just to get away from you. I might even shoot you a dirty look while moving because I'm a bad-ass like that. I would even choose weird-smushed-in-face girl or or fat-guy-who-always-wears-the-size-medium "'Chiquita Banana' t-shirt or Indian-guy-whose-skin-is really-flaky. They are all better than you and have beautiful hair-free necks.