It's that time of the year for college students to look ahead and plan for their future careers by being someone else's bitch. That's right, I'm talking to you, you pathetic intern in your leisure suit. Who are you trying to impress? Sure, you can tell that girl on the train that you work on Wall Street, but she knows what's up. You're just an intern. And because you're just an intern that means you'll be enjoying the three C's this summer: copying, coffee runs, and crying.

OK I made that last one up, but it's totally conceivable if your boss is a real dick. The summer internship for college credit is a complex mathematical equation: You have to first start at zero, then subtract the money you would be making if you had a cool job somewhere at the beach or something, and then factor in the money you're paying your already rich university to get people coffee and kiss ass like it's your job – your unpaid job. Of course, if you're going to be interning somewhere this summer you're going to meet a whole host of other interns that will annoy the hell out of you, so allow me to introduce you guys.

The over-enthusiastic intern: This dude just does not take a break. He's always moving, trying to prove to your boss that he has the stamina to make it in this field. He volunteers too much and makes you look bad. Don't worry, your boss secretly talks smack behind this dude's back because he's way too annoying. And plus, he totally creeped your boss out when he made a diagram your boss' entire family tree so he'd know who everyone was at family functions.

The obviously-connected intern: This girl somehow manages to slip into every conversation how the Vice President of the company is a "close family friend" and how he plays golf with her dad all the time. He might even be coming over the house for a barbeque next weekend. Personally, I hope this chick chokes on a hotdog. Actually I take that back – then she probably wouldn't shut up about how the VP gave her the Heimlich and was "so sweet." Bite me.

The clandestinely-connected intern: This guy didn't get the internship on merit either, but he'll never let you know it. He plays down the fact that Susie in Human Resources is his third cousin and was able to pull a few strings to get him the job. Let's be honest, this guy's biggest qualification is his ability to touch his nose with his tongue while humming "O Come O Ye Faithful." It's day 4 and I've already seen him do it six times. Maybe Susie can get this guy promoted and then I won't have to hang out with him anymore.

The overly-chummy intern: He's best friends with everyone in the office, brings them food on their lunch hour, and talks sports with the sports guys, politics with the political junkies, and fashion with the chicks at the water cooler. He's too nice. No one could possibly be this nice. It's not humanly possible. Be weary. Soon he'll want to be your friend.

The assistant's assistant: This is a really bad one. You're the bitch's bitch. Every menial task the boss asks her to do is then transferred to this girl. She makes it seem like a great position outside the office. "Yeah, I'm the second closest person to this big producer" she'll say. But that's not true at all. In fact, she barely even sees him. She has to go fetch his lunch, hand it off to the assistant who then gets all the credit. The only thing to do is to pity this poor girl, and maybe ask her out for a drink. She's pretty hot.

There are also some major differences depending on the field of your chosen internship, so allow me to highlight a few:

Finance internship: You'll be making photocopies on standard white 8½ x 11 inch paper

Law internship: You'll most likely be making photocopies on legal sized paper

Media internship: You're in a creative field, so you'll be making photocopies on colored paper, because your supervisor thinks it adds pizzazz


In the end, being an unpaid summer intern is kind of like pledging a fraternity or sorority because you have to do all their dirty work, but in the end it's not like you become a member of the company. It won't even help you get laid at parties. On the plus side, it's really hard to get fired from a job that doesn't pay you. OK, I've gotta go make some copies.