Dear friend,

It's an exciting time for internet pornography. We honestly thought it had all been done, but now we have all sorts of new, exciting genres. Take ATM-porn. It's practically an Olympic event. I swear somewhere out there girls are practicing with medicine balls to get that spin just right"

Wait a minute, are you 18? Okay you're saying you are, but how do we know for sure? Before you access our websites we are going to go ahead and ask you to type your birthday. Hold on buddy. Your birthday" WITH the year.

Nice try kids.

We are all for showing you all kinds of m/f, f/f and of course f/f/f/f/f/q/f/f/f/f, but first you are going to have to prove that you were born prior to TODAY'S DATE, 1988" by telling us so.

We have so much faith in this system we use it to confirm our actresses' ages.

See in the online adult industry we care about our content falling into the wrong hands. That's why we set up this impenetrable wall around our websites. Good thing that's the only thing in our industry that's inpenetratable. Get it? Well then you must clearly be 18, come watch this pony"

Hold on there, were you born after the first WWF Summer Slam? If so, chances are it's a no-go. You know why? Because that was about 18 years ago.

See look at this pornography viewer, picked at random. He was born on November 11th in the year 1111, so he is good to go. Have fun old-timer!

We know it seems unfair. From watching Nickelodeon we know of the struggle between kids and adults or "grown-ups" as you know them. They get to look at all the porn they can handle along with drive, vote, have guns and booze it up. But hey there's lots of stuff that you guys can do that us grown-ups can't. Go see a movie on the cheap, build a fort with sofa cushions or maybe have sex with another young person. Food for thought.

Your time will come. Trust us, pornography will be there.

We have big plans for the future. We don't want to give too much away, but you know that chick with three boobs in Total Recall? We've said too much.

But if you want to look at people doing the ol' sticky-nasty on the internet, you are going to have to wait until you are old enough to claim you are old enough. Thems the rules… at like half the sites.

Bonerly Yours,

Internet Pornography Association of America


Mike Trainor is a nationally touring comic who can be heard each week on Sirius Satellite Radio's Four Quotas. Check him out at www.giantcomedy.com .