My friend Marie recently gave me the best birthday present one can give another human being besides a copy of the Steve Hoffstetter comedy album or sexual intercourse.

Marie works at Flynt Publications, a.k.a. Hustler Magazine, and for my 25th birthday she brought me to a porno shoot. That's right, a hardcore porno shoot. I think the film is called "Scott Nails Bangs a Whore in Leather: Volume 3" which is a difficult title to wrap your mind around, but I think that was it.

I have no idea what the story line was, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter. The basic premise that I got was that Scott Nails happened to walk into a room with a red leather wall, a red leather couch and several bottles of lube where Carmella (Female porn star) was dancing topless to NO music. Makes sense right? I mean how many times have you found yourself in that exact same situation. I mean, OMG! SOMEONES READING MY DIARY!!!

They didn't speak at all. He just strutted in, grabbed her boob and she promptly started giving him a blowjob. If only having sex with girls was that easy.

ME: "Hey half naked chick that I won't say anything to" (grab boob) wanna have sex without me asking?"

HALF NAKED GIRL: Sure, as long as you don't play lacrosse.

I later learned that Carmella wasn't even supposed to work that day, but the other porn star that Scott was supposed to have sex with got gonorrhea and he wouldn't have sex with her because, well, SHE GOT GONORRHEA. Porn has to be only job where gonorrhea keeps you form working. Because we all know if that was true there would be no waitress's at Denny's, no basketball players in the NBA and definitely no CEO's at Collegehumor.com.


Porn in known for its
high production values
Carmella was a substitute and she looked it. She was kind of overweight, dumb, and her vagina looked like it had been stabbed by an ice pick. And by ice pick I mean 5000 cocks.

You don't really get a sense of the porn stars personalities or intelligence when just watching one in the privacy of your own closet, but when you're right there you can totally get a sense of who they are, and what they stand for, because you get to see them interact between takes.

One moment that struck me as particularly poignant, was when after they had finished the "doggy style" position they switched camera angles and Carmella said, "I'm so horny" I haven't worked in 2 weeks." No one responded. She then stated: "I think I'm gonna paint Easter eggs tonight." Again no one responded. I remember thinking at that point "man she really loves her job and faith" oh, and I can see her gigantic vagina."

She then proceeded to have anal sex.

I did learn some interesting porn secrets. When they shoot the close up blowjob shots they just have Carmella suck her fingers and look at the camera and say "you like that? You want that? You want more?" And it's only her fingers. Could you imagine what someone watching that would think if they knew that she was only sucking her fingers? They wouldn't care at all, because they'd already be reaching for the box of Kleenex, but it's still interesting.

They also shoot every sexual position twice. Once "hardcore" and once "soft-core" where it looks like they're having sex but they're not at all. This way Scott could last longer and seem like he's the man. But the thing is, he is the man. He was so professional— and I think that was because of his monster cock. This guy" I mean wow. I don't think he looked for porn; I think porn found him. His penis was so large that it really would have been a shame if he'd gone into anything else. What a crime it would be if Captain Huge Cock worked at Best Buy or any other place where his penis would not come into play on a daily basis.

Captain Huge Cock: Hey boss these plasma's are selling great!

Best Buy Manager: Yeah but can pick up your cock from the floor? It's in the video game section…again and your scaring the children!

As the day went on, it got a lot less funny, a lot more creepy, and very smelly. However it was all building to the infamous "cum shot," or what they refer to in the business as "a pop." And it's only one take, so you have to nail it. I think it's very similar to being on on SNL" except with more semen.

And the director was very clear to Carmella. He said, "Keep your mouth open and say I'm a whore." That was it. Pretty basic porn star lingo. But she forgot. It happened. And she didn't open her mouth and of course forgot to say "I'm a whore." The director was so pissed! He started storming around, cursing in French and threw his headphones to the ground. "I said mouth open and I'm a whore!!! Shit! Fuck! Shit, shit! Whatever, get Scott a towel" that's a wrap!"

And it was a wrap indeed. We then thanked the director and told both Scott and Carmella they were "great." Carmella said, "Thanks, I would hug you but I have cum all over my face." I agreed that hugging would be a bad idea and wished her luck with painting the easter eggs.

Marie dropped me off and we went our separate ways" into the bathroom to throw up!
Do I regret going to a porn shoot? No way! Would I do it again? No way! Will I watch the video? Fuck yeah!

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