If there are two universal truths in this world, it is this: everyone loves lists, and everyone loves booze. With this in mind, I have spent many exhaustive hours drinking and researching to present to you, dear CollegeHumor readers, The 10 Greatest Drunks of All-Time:
10 Babe Ruth
While Barry Bonds had to inject cow hormones into his ass in order to play better baseball, George Herman Ruth just got drunk. Beer and hookers were all the steroids the Babe needed to leave every other baseball player in his big, fat wake. After winning a drinking contest and bedding four women at once, the Babe would stagger to the field on-time, play a double-header, and smack a game-winner out of the park while eating a hot-dog. Obviously, that's what makes him one of the greatest drunks of all time. Favorite drink: Keg of Falstaff.
09 Al Bundy
You had to feel for Al Bundy. Destined for greatness after scoring four touchdowns in one game for Polk High, he ended up married to a big red menace of a wife, living next to a piercing shrew of a neighbor, and supporting his mincing nerd of a son, and witless bimbo of a daughter. For Al, the perfect ending to a hard day of selling women's shoes was relaxing on the can with a six pack and a copy of Big 'Uns. How can you not respect that? Favorite drink: Free beer.
08 Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill was drunk for the entirety of World War II, leading England through the German blitzkrieg with a snifter in one hand and a cigar in the other. Nothing fazed him. The secret to his unwavering resolve? The spirits. Booze wins wars, and Churchill proved it. Anyone who can get tanked while fending off tanks is a king among men. In terms of sheer accomplishment, Winston Churchill is probably the greatest drunkard in recorded history. Favorite drink: Wine with breakfast.
07 Janis Joplin
Janis Joplin deserves a spot among this company of men. What she lacked in the refinery of other great female drunks like Zelda Fitzgerald and Dorothy Parker, she made up for with pure balls. This frizzy haired Medusa could out drink most men in her life, and earned an infamous reputation for not wearing any makeup on stage. She also looked like an auto mechanic. Janis lived fast, died young and let the boys take care of her tab. Favorite drink: Bourbon.
06 John Belushi
Two words: Bluto Blutarsky the iconic character of Animal House played by John Belushi is quite possibly the greatest performance put on film by any actor, ever. As his SNL cast mates will attend, John Belushi was a whirling dervish of narcotics and comedy. I would like to see Sir Lawrence Olivier convince me he's a zit by popping mashed potatoes out his mouth. Not happening. All hail the king. Favorite drink: Jack from the bottle.
05 Your Dad
Whether he was mowing the lawn with a tall boy at his side, or belt-beating you ragged after a few with the guys from work, it's clear that raising you was what it took to drive this poor man to the brink. After hauling his ass back from the office wondering how his kid turned out to be such a son of a bitch, the only joy this man could find was pounding back a few and plowing your mom every Wednesday after Nightline. Favorite drink: Whatever's on sale.
04 Ted Kennedy
There is perhaps no greater tradition in American history than that of the drunk politician. With a head the size of a regulation basketball, and a liver that could refine crude oil, Senator Edward M. Kennedy of Massachusetts upholds this tradition with pride. You've got to admire a guy who kills a girl while driving drunk and still manages to hold office for 35 years. It is rumored on Capitol Hill that he squirrels away booze in his jowls for long sessions in the Senate. Favorite drink: Vodka shots.
03 Ernest Hemingway
He drank. And it was good. Hemingway pursued alcohol the way he pursued everything in life by kicking its ass. The only way I can picture this literary titan drinking a beer is from a stein that could easily fill a kiddie pool. He ate drunk, he loved drunk, he wrote drunk, he hunted drunk, and he probably died drunk, blowing his head off with a shotgun that he used to kill rampaging elephants. Favorite drink: Whiskey.
02 Keith Moon
This list could easily be populated with just rock stars, but when you're talking about the best, it's really a toss-up between legendary drummers John Bonham and Keith Moon. They share many similarities: both died early, both perfected the art of trashing hotel rooms, and both were fond of public debauchery and wanton destruction. Though Bonham may have died a great drunkard's death after consuming a rumored 40 shots of vodka and choking on his own vomit, Moon's penchant for destruction was just too legendary. Some of his greatest achievements include driving a Rolls Royce into a pond, breaking a tooth off after jumping into an empty swimming pool, and blowing up his drum kit on the Ed Sullivan Show. Favorite drink: Anything.
01 Homer Simpson
When it comes to the king of the drunks, look no further than Springfield's prodigal son, Homer Simpson. Without any physical limitations to hold him back, Homer has the ability to out drink anyone, and his alcoholic feats are nothing short of godlike. A constant fixture at Moe's, Homer will do anything to get soused. From inventing his own drink, to hiding beer in the toilet, to eating dirt underneath the bleachers, he is an unrelenting force of nature. Homer epitomized what this list is all about when he opined: "To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems". That about says it all. Favorite drink: Duff Beer.
He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.