Ex-Girlfriends can be many things: bitter memories, wounds that will never heal and frequent visitors in your masturbatory fantasies. But if there is one thing in common about all ex-girlfriends it's that they produce some of the most painful, hilarious and often universal stories. Myself and four of my colleagues are prepared to share our worst with you. Won't you join in our pain?
Mine: I was in high school and like so many of my peers I was experimenting with love and commitment. I had been dating one special lady for a few months when the topic of sex came up. "Yes," I said immediately.
"But I haven't even asked a question," she said.
"It matters not. Yes." With that, a few awkward minutes figuring out how a condom works and promises of undying love I kissed my virginity goodbye one sunny afternoon. If the story ended there it would have been a pleasant and common tale, but it was not to be.
It seems this young lady shared a closeness with her father that most people only have with their shrink. Shortly afer she left my house that magical day my phone rang. It was her, calling to tell me she had told her dad about what had happened and that he was not happy. "Why did you tell him?" I screamed.
"I can't lie to him." she pleaded.
"Did he ask you about it or something?"
"No. But I could tell he knew." Really? Really? My worst nightmare had come true.
Needless to say, her dad picked up, cursed me out, asked me very awkward personal questions and did his best to scare the hell out of me. When he hung up with promises to continue our conversation later I was only happy about one thing: he didn't tell my parents. I'm sure they figured something was up when I couldn't eat or sleep for three weeks after. If only everyone's first time could be as magical as mine
Lilly Walleck: After enjoying a few too many cupfuls of "jungle juice" at a neighboring college, I stopped dead in my tracks at the sight of my conquest for the evening. After crossing the room barren with unattractive people, I began talking with the mysterious girl. She was a hubris-filled junior, increasingly surprised that a girl my age could dish out the game I'm now famous for.
The night was winding down, but she was winding up. "Come back to my room," she said, flaunting her senior status over me. I could see from her slightly sloppy stare that she was planning on cave-manning me back if that's what it came down to. "Man, wish I could, but I have to head back home tomorrow," I said. Stunned, that I, a full 4 years her junior had given her a thanks but no thanks, insisted: "no. You should really come back with me, I promise I'll get you home in the morning." This girl wasn't used to getting turned down, obviously, but I wasn't giving in either. "No, I really, really can't." The lioness' pride was wounded; she retaliated by rearing back and slapping me across the face. My friends sat about 20 feet away, laughing uproariously. The next day, I found her email address and our talking eventually led to a relationship. That's one to tell the grandkids.
Jake Klocksien: After a girl and I went bowling while I showed false interest in her family and hometown, she spent the night. (What can I say, I'm pretty.) When I got out of the shower the next morning, I saw she had changed the background on my laptop to an enlarged photo of her face. Now, girls are crazy and I've come to terms with that, but" really?
Since I consider myself a gentleman, I gave her a poptart, some Gatorade, and roughly seventeen figurative pushes out the door. It was clear she was in no rush to rid me of her presence.
She finally showered and I eased up about her following me around like a baby duckling. I guess she wasn't aware of The Rule which states the only way you hang out without asking is if you're dating. Normally girls can't get out quick enough and here this one was staying put without any straps or chloroform needed.
After The Talk where I told her I was not going to be in a relationship before classes began, she cried and told me she'd never get over me. Then she cried some more. It took a few months but she eventually found someone that would date her and ultimately quit pursuing me.
Moral of the story: don't avoid hooking up with barely legal freshmen; just find out if they're insane first.
Jake Hurwitz: I've been hurt, I've been bruised, got the wind knocked out of me more than just a few times, been left crying alone in my room wishing I were dead, but my dad has always been really abusive. I only broke up with a girl once. I was 16 and had just passed my driver's test. I was fortunate enough to inherit my Grandpa's whip, a dark blue 1988 Volvo station wagon. I was a sophomore stud and had my pick of the litter. I say litter because my car was crappy and the girl I dated was named Cat. I drove her everywhere, softball practice, Dairy Queen, the movies" that's pretty much it.
Anyway, I quickly discovered that how far I drove her was directly related to how long we would make out for when I dropped her off. Needless to say, we started seeing movies that were playing in towns 40 minutes away, and I dropped her off at random softball practices in the boondocks. Sadly, it's inevitable that someone is going to get a better car than your old Volvo, and Cat is going to get into his passenger seat. Moral of the story, the money you spend on gas these days isn't worth chasing after your pussy, Cat.
Neil Janowitz: That night, it was raining. Hard. I was visiting a major city, in an ex's bed after a night out. Our intentions, it was clear, were not in harmony. I wanted to smooch. She wanted a twilight discussion about reconciliation. And so the night unfolded: me moving in; her parrying and responding with relationship questions. Finally, just as her defenses seemed to weaken, she launched a full counter-offensive: "Be a man, Neil," she demanded, looking me in the eyes. "Tell me your feelings."
I had no response. Thanks to her dramatic delivery and implied association of manliness with a disclosure of feelings, it instantly became the single funniest, albeit unintentionally so, bed-borne moment of my life. As she waited for an answer to what she considered a legitimate request, I could only think, "Well played. A killing blow." A moment later she relented, rolled over and told me to spoon her. And I did, because I owed it to her. What she had just given me was so much more special than ex-sex could ever be.
Outside, the rain let up, ever so slightly.
Speaking of ex-girlfriends, see My Super Ex-Girlfriend this weekend. They sponsor our site so we love them.