Last November I started thinking about colleges that I could have gone to instead of my present one. I thought about what it would be like to go to a small school, a private school, an all-girls school, no school, but then I finally thought about how sweet an extremely conservative Christian college would be. I mean, they have everything: school-girl outfits, wine, robes, Jesus, Mel Gibson, more Jesus, guilt" plus they don't have to pay taxes. This revelation helped my decision to transfer immediately to a nearby Christian university. It was a blast! And after having completed my first 6 months, I felt like sharing my report-card for my spring semester.



I almost passed General Astronomy; however, on our term paper I forgot to write that the universe is 10,000 years old. Like a dumb-ass I wrote 5,000 words about it being over 13 billion years old. I'm so stupid.

By this point it was mathematically impossible for me to pass this class, so I didn't even bother studying for the final exam. This was a good decision because the final exam was filled with questions like this: "What two compounds comprise the majority of the moon Titan's atmosphere?" How am I supposed to know that?



(Apparently the correct answer was Frankincense and Blood)



I thought that Modern American Literature was going to be a guaranteed F because I find Hemingway and Faulkner's attempts at portraying the hardships caused by the overbearing structure of traditional family values in early American society wearisome, unsophisticated and hackneyed" . Another reason I should've failed this class is "'cause other kids read more gooder.

I ended up doing really well in this class because it wasn't centered on reading big, complicated words that make my head hurt. Instead the priests just had us burn as many Dan Brown novels as we could in 55 minutes. Now that's higher education.



Before coming to this college, I thought Physical Anthropology was all about evolution, genetic inheritance and the physical adaptability of humans over a certain period of time. However, I was surprised when I saw this on the first pop-quiz.

Question #3. Who are the original ancestors of the modern human?
A. Adam
B. Eve
C. Jesus
D. Not Monkeys


I had no idea what the answer was, so I just kind of scribbled so it could've looked like any one of these letters.



This way I could at least argue with the teacher and maybe talk him into giving me the points. In the end, the professor said that I was the only student who correctly answered this trick question. The truth is they're all true.



I never received a final grade for this class on Charles Darwin" I'm not sure why. It may have something to do with the fact that on the first day of school, nobody was in the classroom. Then when I went to the head office to ask about the class, they threw holy water on me as 4 security guards chloroformed me and escorted me off the campus. Then they put me on social, academic, religious, thinking and living probation.

Also, I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure one of the security guards called me "Mephistopheles" under his breath as he was leaving. I don't know what this means, but it couldn't be good.



I was pretty close to failing Marine Anatomy too, but after getting an A on my presentation titled "Evolution? More like schmevolution" I had a shot at improving my grade. I needed to get an A on my final test of exam week to pull my grade up to a B. So, by using all the things that I have learned this past semester, I totally raped the shit out of this exam. Check out this easy-ass question.

Question #7: Draw and label the basic anatomy of a salt-water fish.

At first this question really confused me, but then a voice from inside told me the answer I needed to know"



I ended up getting an A++ in this Biology class, and it's all thanks to the things I learned at my Christian College.



"THANKS, JESUS!"