It's hot out right now. It's so hot" [How hot IS it?!]" It's so hot, the elderly are succumbing to heat-related death. Excessive temperatures are no laughing matter. Be sure not to laugh at any of the following suggestions for keeping cool this summer.

1. Keep hydrated. You lose lots of fluids in hot weather, so try to drink at least eight beers during the day. Frosty cold beer has the water your body needs, and it also contains essential coolectrolites and awesominerals. That, and it helps to quench the body's natural fear of the police.

2. Be careful out in the sun. If you're not mindful when catching a few rays, you could wind up sunburned, or worse, hit by a train. Do not sunbathe at railway switching stations. If you do, use at least SPF 35.

3. Wear a hat to keep cool. Make sure it's light, breathable and says "Pussy Inspector."

4. Limit strenuous activity at times of peak heat. For example, instead of jogging outside, stay inside and have a bowl of ice cream. This will keep you cool" fatty. You want some ham with that, fatty? I bet you want some ham.

5. Treat sunburns appropriately. Rub aloe on mild to medium sun-related rashes. For a severe sunburn, rub money on it. It may not do anything to help the sunburn, but it sends the right message to poor people: you'll never have health care.

6. Turn off unnecessary lights and appliances – they generate heat. This especially applies to lava lamps, fire alarms, and televisions playing the movie Heat.

7. Do not eat hunks of warm salted butter. This is literally a bad idea.

8. Try to fight global warming. Elbow-check Global Warming in a hallway at a party, but don't say anything. Hit on his sister. Throw a drink on him and call him a faggot.

9. Go see a mid-day movie. Get out of the sun and pop into an afternoon matinee — movie theaters are kept cool by constant air-conditioning. Add in a Cherry Icee and some frozen Whoppers, and you're set to watch a hardcore XXX double feature in comfort. (I suppose you can try this with non-pornographic movie theaters, just don't beat off constantly as much.)

10. Have a barbeque. You'll forget all about the summer heat by firing up some steaks at a backyard BBQ. If you're new to grilling, check out this handy guide to the different cuts of meat:



11. Say no to drugs. Everybody knows that this makes you cool.

12. Do things half assed. This saves energy by" oh fuck this guff, it's too hot to write.