By about this time every summer, thousands of college students across the country are now inextricably disillusioned with their intern experience at whatever random company they have volunteered to perform indentured servitude. I myself was once an intern and during that time I figured out a few strategies that could make it all but impossible to secure a future position with your respective company. Here are a few strategies to ensure that they will never offer you a job. I hope that my insights can be of aid.Fashion A Threatening PersonaNobody respects the intern. Think of yourself as the youngest cousin that the whole family is going to get to pick on. That is of course unless you demand the respect you feel you deserve.
First, craft your image by seeming irrational if not somewhat deranged at times. When asked mundane questions, respond by cryptically whispering the answer into that person's ear with an insane smile. Second, keep those around you confused by performing the unexpected. Single out someone in the office who lacks the power to fire you and give them the finger every time they see you. They will probably tell one of your superiors but that will only help your cause. And finally, respond sarcastically to every single thing that is asked of you. If someone asks you to say, organize a binder with some pertinent files, reply, "Ya I'll get right on that." Then maybe pick up all the files, the binder and proceed to toss them into the garbage. Send In A Look-A-Like Every Now And ThenLet's be honest. The bullshit you have to put up with everyday there just gets exhausting after a while. Why not send in someone in to take care of the pointless tasks you do all day. It really wouldn't matter to anybody there. All they really need is a body. Think of it like hiring a replacement for yourself to fight in the Civil War. If there's no moral stigma attached to sending another person to die in defense of the Union, then why should there be one in sending someone in to make copies, staple things, and all in an air-conditioned atmosphere? Re-invent Yourself ConstantlyThe people around you see a handful of interns come through every few months and for the most part could care less about you, let alone remember your name. Every time a vice president, or a coordinator of this or that asks you to perform some menial task, introduce yourself by a different name. With several people you can be known as Larry, with others; Avogadro. Occasionally shake things up a little by correcting someone who has managed to remember your name with another fake name. "Wait I thought you told me your name was Rudolph?" they might say and you just shoot back, "Oh, I thought you asked me for my middle name" " Hopefully over coffee some of your supervisers will say, "That Vladamir sure is a sharp kid." Their colleague will retort, "I've been most impressed by Rhubarbulon. He does does good work." Little will they know they are talking about the same person, until later, and they will think you are quite strange.Throw Things At The AccountantSince you are most likely working without monetary compensation, you have little reason to fear the accountant. What can they possibly do to you? Basically nothing! So why not blow off a little steam at their expense. A good way to go about this is by throwing things at them. Don't do this overtly. You'll look insane and could lose your job. Do it like this: Peel an orange. Carefully dispose of the rind in a garbage can nowhere near where you sit. Next, throw the orange at the accountant. Preferably hitting him or her in the face and possibly knocking off their glasses. If the orange explodes on impact it will create a considerable mess and it will very likely get all over their work area. This is the best-case scenario. After throwing this, sit down at a trajectory impossible for launching something at the accountant. If they accuse you of throwing something at them deny it vehemently. Suggest a likely culprit and blame this person every subsequent time you throw something at the accountant. Spread RumorsBy creating dissension among the people you work around there are numerous benefits. What is most important is that the spotlight is off you for the time being and you just let everyone else fight it out for a while. Here's what you do: observe the office. Who likes each other? Who hates each other? With this in mind you can pit people against each other that will make for an entertaining feud. Maybe tell the office manager that you walked into the kitchenette and you saw the accountant making love to a 10 year old boy. This will surely bring about some teasing and counterattacks and in the end, you will have stirred up a lot of negative emotions, probably won't have gained much, but in the end, it was entertaining and that's all that matters. Be Generous With GiftsGenerosity means a lot to people. Unfortunately there are a lot of desperate people out there hoping to get ahead by a token of generosity; just like you. This is why you have to be strategic in your gift giving practices. Imagine this: Your boss goes out to lunch. When he comes back he finds a carton of cigarettes on his desk with a post-it note attached that informs him that the gift was from you; no more, no less. Naturally this will go over quite well. You took a risk. Bosses like that. Secondly, the boss cannot be a smoker if you give this to them. It kind of depletes the whole purpose. If they do smoke, buy them running shoes. Anyhow, the point is that once your boss begins to smoke (which they surely will), every time they light up, you will in effect be on their mind in a negative manner and thus ensuring that all the negative emotions relating to you will ensure you will never see or hear from anyone from your internship ever again.