After reading this weekend's update about not getting hired following your internship, I was both shocked and appalled. Shocked because everyone knows the best way to close out an internship is a good pranking. Appalled because I just saw a crazed motorist run over a puppy. On purpose. There is no better way to make friends at your workplace than by joining together and working as a group in order to play pranks on the one person that everybody hates.
Most pranks will be specific to that person's phobias, but if you need some general tips, try these never-fail team-building pranks. Sure, you may not get hired by your current employer, but the laughs are worth at least $35k a year with health benefits.
- Radiodead Hide in the bathroom and call the sucker's extension. Make up some fake contest like naming thirty-one flavors in thirty-one seconds to win thirty-one thousand dollars. Make sure to tell everybody ahead of time to notice how he slumps under his desk and starts yammering on about "rocky road" and "pistachio nut." Don't time him; just wait until he gets desperate. This will come about sometime after "cookies n' cream" and before "rum raisin." Then tell him his time is up and if he wants to pick up the concession prize (50 gallons of rainbow sprinkles) he needs to get down to the station before noon. Nothing ends an office prank quite like a nice, solid car accident.
- Inhuman Resources Hiring phony consultants are a great way to spend grandma's inheritance while still ensuring somebody gets embarrassed in front of all of his coworkers. Have the actors set up shop in the conference room as they call each of you in for a one-on-one evaluation. When they get to your sucker, have them tell him that he is expendable. As he holds back his tears, clearing out his desk, walk up to him and tell him that this was nothing more than a blessing in disguise. "You need this push to get you back to school man. You keep talking and talking you'll end up like one of these " Then comes the switch blade to the stomach. It's only murder if one of you is gay.
- He Who Smelt It, Dealt It Well it turns out smelt is a type of fish. It's true. Smelt are are small little fish, around 6 inches long, and are common in the North American Great Lakes. Yup, these small little suckers are great meals for salmon and trout, because they generally swim in large schools, which make for wonderful feeding frenzies. Anyway, fill somebody's drawers up with these and it'll smell worse than a thousand bouts of flatulence. Also, did you know smelt are one of the few fish that fisherman are allowed to net? Kind of an interesting little tidbit. Bet you didn't know that.
- Shakes and Latters Ask your rube if he wants to play Snakes and Ladders. Everyone loves Snakes and Ladders, so he'll say yes. At this point, drop your shoulder and push him into the deep pit of poisonous snakes you've made behind his desk. As the fangs shoot venom into him, yell, "Bet you wish you had a ladder now, jerk!" When he cries out in agony, ask if he'd rather play Candyland. When he says yes, yes, oh God, yes, throw a handful of checkers at him. You're an intern; it's not your job to keep track of which board game is which.
- Gnome Chompsky Go to a local wizard-supply warehouse and purchase a gnome with a particularly bad disposition. After keeping it locked in a tiny cage without food for a day or two, put it under your target's desk. A mean, famished gnome will bite the first thing it sees, and your co-wanker will feel the sting of dozens of tiny, mystical teeth sinking into his ankles for the entire day. Right now you're probably saying, "But wait, he'll see the gnome and get wise to the scheme!" The gnome you bought had an invisibility cloak, dumbass. Jesus, if I'm going to give you great advice, you should at least be courteous enough to pay attention.
- cryPod During a bi-weekly office meeting, steal your mark's iPod. Replace all of his precious Mp3's with recordings of his little daughter crying for her fucking daddy. When he gets confused and tells you he doesn't even have a daughter, light a cigarette in slow motion and tell him, "Not anymore you don't."
- Helsinki in a Handbasket Tell your foe that in honor of Finland's independence day, you're having a competition to see who can eat the most Finnish food. Winner gets a free fjord. Allow him to go first and give him a plate with three pounds of pickled herring on it. As he stuffs briny fish after briny fish down his gullet, talk about how scared you are that he'll win that fjord. After he finishes, eat one teaspoon of porridge and declare yourself the winner. He'll stammer that he ate so much more herring, and only then can you tell him herring is more of a Swedish dish. Then remind he's allergic to fish, and watch as his throat closes in terror.