OKCupid Presents "Leda and the Swan"
By Alex Rogers
MATCH.COM PRESENTS “LEDA & THE SWAN” From: email@example.com To: firstname.lastname@example.org SUBJECT: Hi there! Hi So, you’re really a swan? That’s so cool!! I’m new to the site and this whole “online dating” thing, but the moment I saw your profile I was intrigued. Is that too forward? I’m pretty forward, so here’s fair warning! LOL! But you really stood apart from all the people that I usually find here. Especially the part in your profile about you being a swan. THAT IS SO HOT! Also, we both listen to Wham! I thought I was like the only one. Anyway, I’ll cut this short. I’m sure you’ve got a lot of ladies filling your inbox with messages like this. But hopefully I’ll hear back from you. Best, Leda From: email@example.com To: firstname.lastname@example.org SUBJECT: RE: Hi there! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk, Honk! Sent from my Verizon Wireless Blackberry Match.com App From: email@example.com To: firstname.lastname@example.org SUBJECT: RE: RE: Hi there! Hey you! I wasn’t expecting you to get back to me so quickly. Guess I made an impression, huh ;). Also, love the new profile photos BTW! No other guy I know can float like that. And that pic of you chasing down those toddlers to defend your territory. Very tough =). Who took that photo? Also, I was reading up. Is it true swans mate for life? I think that’s so awesome. Not that I’m the kind of person who just jumps into a relationship. I just think that level of commitment is totally great! Anyway, ta-ta for now! Leda From: email@example.com To: firstname.lastname@example.org SUBJECT: HONK? Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk Honk West 100th and Central Park West Honk Honk? Honk, Honk! Sent from my Verizon Wireless Blackberry Match.com App From: email@example.com To: firstname.lastname@example.org SUBJECT: RE: HONK? WOW! Yeah, I would love to meet you tonight! The Pool at Central Park? Very ritzy! HA HA! Honestly, I still can’t believe you’re only two years old. I mean you’re so mature, you know? And I don’t want to hear your arguments about what that means in swan years – that’s still young! But talking to you feels like talking to a swan I’ve known all my life. And that’s four years beyond the normal lifespan of a swan… I hope I didn’t just age myself too much! I swear I’m not usually this self-conscious! I just keep thinking back to your profile story about building nests for Tsunami victims in Japan. And I think to myself “that’s the kind of swan I want to be with”. I don’t want to jinx it, but I half keep expecting suddenly to wake up =). Should I bring anything? Wine? Stale bread? Super excited for tonight! Xoxoxo Leda Match.com Instant Messenger Birdladyofbrooklyn: Last night WTF! r u RLY a swan!? Lightninglord77: Honk! Honk! Birdladyofbrooklyn: Bullshit!!! Swans have corkscrew dicks! I read all about it. That was not a corkscrew dick last night. Lightninglord77: honk honk honk Birdladyofbrooklyn: And then durng sex when you transfrmed into an old man in a toga and shot lightning frm yr fingrs. NOT A SWAN THING!!! Lightninglord77: I’m not an old man. Lightninglord77: I am Zeus, Lord of Olympus! Master of the elements and sover Birdladyofbrooklyn: OMG ur the dude from the bar that turned into a bull and hit on my friend Tami!! Zeke? Lightninglord77: Zeus. And did I mention I’m a god? Like king of all the gods? Birdladyofbrooklyn: I WANTED A SWAN!!! Lightninglord77: What is it with mortal girls and swans? Swans are assholes! Birdladyofbrooklyn: ur an asshole! Lightninglord77: They push around Geese. They bite small dogs. THEY FUCKING DROWN PEOPLE! Not bite, not scratch, but drown! Till you’re dead! Read about it! Birdladyofbrooklyn: u dont get to judge me okay! If ur so great then why r u always changing into other stuff to trick girls into having sex with you? Also, a REAL god wouldn’t have asked me to pay for his cab fare home at 3 am! Lightninglord77: I couldn’t use my card! If my wife found out Birdladyofbrooklyn: OMG UR MARRIED!? Lightninglord77: Yeah. Meant to tell you. Probably want to go into hiding. If my wife finds out she’ll probably imprison you in a cave guarded by satyrs. Or possibly just turn you into a swarm of insects. She does that. Anyway, when can I see you again? Birdladyofbrooklyn: … Lightninglord77: I’ll transform into the swan again if that’s really your thing. Birdladyofbrooklyn: I’m pregnant. Lightninglord77: [lightninglord77 has signed off.] Birdladyofbrooklyn: bastard From: ArgosKid64@match.com To: Bodyofwater@match.com SUBJECT: RE: drip drip Hey back! Thanks so much for the cool e-mail. I have to admit I’ve never received anything from a sentient golden rain before! That’s really neat! I’m bad with e-mail, but I’d love to hear from you again. Cheers Danae