The US Presidential Election is almost upon us, and by us, I'm talking about everyone in the rest of the world who doesn't get to vote. Not having a say in who gets to lead America is a frustrating experience, considering how much power some say they'll have over us anyway, as well as realising who actually does get to vote. Even Utah?! Since I remain under the rule of some other, admittedly less dynamic, private school fancy-man, I'm often forced to explain what stock I have in who wins this week.
1. Everyone's Friends Anyway
Her Majesty's United Kingdom and the USA have what's known as a "special relationship", which, under any other circumstances, would sound seriously creepy. But hey, check out this video of your commander in chief and my whatever-the-chubbier-and-less-impressive-version-of-a-commander-in-chief-is kicking back and enjoying a brew and tell me what's creepy about this "special relationship" (Skip to 0:40)
See? You can't.
The point is our guys at the helm are pretty close-knit, and as such I'm going to have to put up with a lot of newspaper pictures and quotes from whoever's coming to check in on the us, like the son taking a sad and sympathetic tour of his crazy dad's new, tiny, nursing home bedroom. And I guess Obama has nicer teeth.
2. How We Look in Comparison
It's always nice to look over the shoulder of the guy in front and check out how well you're doing. In these cases it's sometimes helpful to have someone driving America who isn't unfamiliar to a gaffe or two. Politicians over here have been recently embroiled in a scandal which saw them writing off fancy luxuries as public-funded expenses, so preferably 2012's President should be no stranger to some kind of tax controversy of their own. Do you guys have one of those? Bonus points if, during their most recent visit to England, they were very widely and publicly lambasted for negatively comparing the London Olympics to the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics, as if the idea of those two things being remotely comparable wasn't scornfully laughable.
There's a clear winner here, a man of real supposed dignity and poise, which makes us feel all the better when he's made fun of by a guy who looks like this:
The Internet has indicated that, should the election yield one winner or another, there's a sizable portion of the US population that's going to be looking for a new country to call home. Which is a perfectly rational threat, considering all the other awful tyrants who have been President at one point or another. An Obama win means Ted Nugent will be knocking on the door of the nearest anti-tax, pro-gun haven that'll have him. A Romney win will drive anyone with a New York Times subscription to the world's leading den of progressive socialism and gay marriage: Europe, who are pretty much set for occupying stuff at the moment, but thanks.
On the other hand, Romney's America will mean strict and thorough immigration controls, and I doubt his administration would allow me the opportunity to gain valuable career experience as a CollegeHumor intern like Obama's did. (See below)
For my own sake, it's imperative Obama stays in the White House, and that those four babes who made out with me that night know to wait for me.
If the debates taught us anything except how hard it is to look to your right and say "is that true?" every minute for an hour and a half, it was that our generation's stock in politics plays second fiddle to getting a couple of great zingers out there. It's for this reason that, when America wakes up today, it'll have to think hard about the kind of leader it wants, and then the kind of leader that will help it break 1,000 followers by January.
Obama's no stranger to public ridicule, but no-one inspires the sheer creativity of the online masses like Mitt Romney. In this respect, he's the gift that keeps on giving: both the irresistible opportunity for mockery, and creepy son after creepy son. Disagree with his policies all you like, but Romney/Ryan 2012 will herald in a new era of snarky social media prosperity.
Special mention goes to Joe Biden, who did this one time and was still allowed to be Vice President, no questions asked.
5. Legitimate Political Reasons
With the candidates in a near-dead heat in all the major polls, as well as this just-as-important, ill-informed, subjective, foreign stream of consciousness, we can only look to our legitimate views and feelings for a way to get this all over and done with.
America isn't alone. Pretty much every country in the world is looking at their economy and not feeling too excited by it, which makes whoever's in charge of the USA more important than ever, not just for the future of their nature, but for the state of global wellbeing as we know it.
BO-RING. Yes, this election is very important for all of us, but whichever way it goes, we'll all be in it together. Americans, vote today for the next leader of the free world. But, more importantly, wherever you live, join me right now in this timely, nonpartisan celebration of America's candidates that Jay Leno made. Never let it be said I am not serious about politics.
Tom Philip is from the UK and has a very refined, dry Twitter