It seems like everyone is railing against ol' LaLo these days. The flaming accusations just never end. Drug abuser, party mistress, tanning aficionado""but I don't care about any of that. Lindsay, I'm here for you, babe. I'm your perpetual shoulder to cry on because your meth shipment sank in the Atlantic. Notice how I avert my eyes away from the sight of your bulimic frame so you don't feel self-conscious. Yeah, I'm sensitive like that.

I'm offering the full package as depicted below. I'm sure after you've had my benefits explained to you for the fourth or fifth time, you'll agree that you and I go together like Samuel L. Jackson and mother$%@#er!

Consider yourself vouched for wherever you go

Perhaps you've encountered difficulty gaining entry to churches, daycares, or a grandparent's 80th birthday party""you know, those so-called wholesome places. As your BF, I won't hesitate to drop kick a nun or unleash my Parent Trap on a teacher blocking your path. I'll also remind you not to dip your finger in the holy water because last time it scalded your hand.

Threesomes are cool with me

You think if I catch you sucking face with Eva Longoria in a Cognac-induced haze I'm going to interrupt with a scolding? Just who am I to judge? You can Bette I'll Get a Clue and bring both you Mean Girls home for a Freaky Friday.

I'll turn Nick Lache into my personal hand puppet

Nick Lache sealed his fate when according to National Enquirer, he said "I can safely say that I don't have any interest in Lindsay Lohan… nor do I understand anyone else that does." Oh, so my Lohie isn't good enough for you, huh, Nick? Well, you're gonna be not-so-safely saying Just My Luck as I insert my Life-Size boot up your no-talent ass.

"'Decency'""isn't that a bridge in Budapest?

Since when has it become a crime to carouse drunkenly through the streets exposing body parts at will? Do we live in America or freakin' Pakistan? While the paparazzi snap pics and the decent folks gasp as you somersault off the hood of your Bentley naked as a jaybird, I'll be standing there with cocked thumb and grin announcing, "That's my Lohie!"

The Olsen Twins won't have a prayer

Quoting again from the infallible source of National Enquirer, "Checking out an item about Lindsay Lohan, Mary- Kate chortled, "'That is SO right on… What a bitch!'" I wonder if Ms. Olsen knows how to regurgitate fist as well as she can any meal weighing above half an ounce.

Lindsay Lohan, I am so there for you. We're soul mates you and I, separated by but a few tattered editions of People and Star Magazine. I'm like Herbie and Jamie Lee Curtis all rolled into one, except not mechanical and ugly. I'm struck Speechless you're still single, and don't you think for one second you're A Woman of No Importance.

I'll make you my universe, and your spasmodic obnoxious episodes but a blissful planetary alignment to my sun. Think it over. In the meanwhile, I'll be at the California Pizza Kitchen just off Rodeo Drive waiting with a dozen roses and a vomit bag at the ready should you happen to knock a few too many back on the way over.

Seriously, I'll be there waiting, so if you already have plans just give me a holler and we'll reschedule.