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By Mike Trapp
Drink diagrams with instructions below. The Sugary Sweet Bartender: The Person Who Hates the Taste of Alcohol 1 part Peach Schnappes 1 part Triple Sec 3 parts Sunny Delight 3 parts grenadine 1. Pour alcohol in first so it’s on the bottom. Pour in everything else. Don’t stir or shake. 2. Drink while talking about how you “can’t even taste the alcohol.” Say “mmmm” a lot. 3. Vomit for three days. Complicatini Bartender: The guy who took one bartending class and now thinks he’s a “mixologist.” 1.3 oz Maestro Dobel Tequila .5 oz Black pepper infused water .5 oz Becherovka 1 oz lime juice 1 oz hand squeezed cherimoya juice 1.5 oz simple syrup 1 lime wedge 3 drops plum bitters 3 drops Peychaud’s bitters 1 Thai basil leaf kumquat zest smoked sea salt 1. In a sterling silver martini shaker, muddle the Thai basil, lime wedge, simple syrup, and peppercorn water. Add ice, the remaining ingredients except kumquat zest and peychaud’s bitters. Shake well. 2. Strain into hand-crafted, crystal high ball glass filled with perfectly cubed frozen Perrier rimmed with smoked sea salt. Garnish with a perfectly coiled kumquat helix and 3 drops of Peychaud’s bitters. 3. Place directly into the hands of the recipient. Explain the history of each ingredient. 4. Go to sleep. It has now been 12 hours since you started making the drink. The Fuzzy Beer Bartender: The guy who thinks cocktails are for pussies. [The “glass” in this diagram is a funnel with a mouth on the other end] 1 part cheap beer 1 part more beer 2 parts BEER BEER BEER 1. Yell at the person who asked for a cocktail. For extra flavor, garnish with homophobia. 2. Serve in a funnel. 3. Wonder if this is enough to convince people you’re a manly man who deserves respect. Curdled Mess Bartender: The guy who has no idea what he’s doing. 3 parts lemon juice 1 part milk 1 part creme de menthe 1 part brandy 1. Mix together in that shiny new mixing set your buddy gave you for your birthday. 2. Talk about how you “invented” this drink, and how great it is, even though you’re just making stuff up as you go along. Serve in a martini glass for some reason. 4. Drink the whole thing instead of admitting it’s terrible. How About a Rum and Coke? Bartender: Your lazy unprepared roommate Some part rum Whatever part coke 1. Ask friends what they want. Mix together some rum and coke because that’s all you have anyway. 2. Serve in anything handy. Old cups. Bowls. Whatever. 3. Apologize. Add a dash of insincerity. Leftovers Punch Bartender: Desperation Incarnate 1 part gin 1 and, like, a half? part bourbon 1 part... something in an orange bottle. What is this? 10 parts everything else, dude, just throw it in. Orange Juice 1. Mix everything together in a big orange cooler. 2. Tell everyone it will get them FUCKED. UP. 3. Creep everyone out when you have to admit you don’t know what’s in it. The Spoiled Brat Bartender: Thadchester P. Billingsworth III 1 part Lagavulin 21 1 part Coca-Cola 1. I guess take some of this scotch my dad got me. I guess he thought I’d think that he’s cool. News flash, Dad, I only like speyside scotches. This islay stuff is bullshit. Anyway, you can mix it with some coke and make it taste okay. 2. Did I mention that bottle costs $300? 3. My dad is the worst. The Close-Enough Bartender: Drunko the Drunk 1 part vodka Milk 1. Mix it all together and there you have it. A white russian. 2. No, dude, I put Kahlua in it. 3. I PUT KAHLUA IN IT. 4. Ah, whatever. Close enough, right?