It's a standard story. Boy meets girl, girl makes boy lose his mind chasing after her, boy gets girl, boy and girl have mind blowing sex multiple times a night, and not because the boy comes real quick or anything, but because he is super human in that he can sustain an erection for hours on end, alright? He doesn't come fast. I swear to God. But the tale of young summer love can never end in August, so let me help you in dealing with the loss of your summer love.

First you need some kind of territory marking jewelry. Of course a chastity belt is ideal, but slightly impractical. And since you just borrowed money from your roommate for that Sprite your drinking a diamond ring is probably out of the question. Allow me to suggest: a bracelet. The best kind of bracelet snaps securely around your lover's wrist, then is connected by a metal chain to another bracelet, which is fastened around a pipe in your basement.

Next you should give your girl a picture of you, she can tape it next to her bed, touching her fingers to her lips and her fingers to your face each night before she goes to sleep. Kinko's has a pretty good deal on a 6×8 foot poster size paper. So really all you need to do is go take a picture of yourself looking really angry. That way your face matches the message on the bottom of your poster that says, "If you cheat on me, I will end you." Or, if you're more passive, "No, no, you're doing it all wrong, she likes when you kiss her neck!"

Also important, a box of Hostess donuts and a handle of cheap vodka, you know, for the long ride down. This way, after making the ten hour drive to, say, Chapel Hill, you won't feel bad about ruining the lawn by your girlfriend's dorm when you park your car right outside her window and start blasting Alanis Morissette's "Head Over Feet". You'll stand crying outside your car, the tears washing away the chocolate glaze caked to your cheeks. Feel free to cry/sing the chorus, it will sound cool.

Finally, it's good to have a decent lawyer for the inevitable restraining order. If you get yourself a good one you can usually talk to the judge down to about 50 yards. You can still see her pretty well from that distance, and she can probably hear you if you call out to her loud enough. Restraining orders are tricky, they always catch you off guard, but there's no use worrying over something so silly. Just get as close as you can to your baby and start hollering.

So you see, summer love doesn't have to end. It can be preserved by neurotic, obsessive, behavior. Nothing makes your girlfriend feel more appreciated than a constant stream of never-ending phone calls, and random drunken visits. Leaving her a barrage of voicemails where you're crying hysterically while listening to Dido is also a plus. With any luck, four years will fly by, or at the very least you can burn down some major buildings around campus, forcing the school closed.