Son, Exactly What is Gay about a Unicorn Hunt with Your Dad - Image 1

Come on, Gary! If you keep sighing all the time you'll scare off all the unicorns. Son, did you know a unicorn's sadness receptors can sense a sigh as far as three hundred yards away? Don't roll your eyes like that either! Grumpy Guses get to wait in the Windstar while Dad gets to rub the unicorn's magic wish horn!
What? What did I say? And what's with all the attitude, Gary? I mean, you have just been moping this entire trip, and as I recall it was you who asked me to take you hunting. Wait! Gary look! Giant marshmallows like that aren't found in nature. A unicorn snuggled here.
"Embarrassed"? Son, I might not be the el numero uno cool-o dad-o, but even you have to admit hunting these savage, noble beasts beats killing zombie Nazis on your video box. Hey, I'll show you how to make a unicorn mating call! Don't be like that! Just cup your hands over your mouth like so. Now whisper the lyrics to Enya's "Orinoco Float." Remember to put some soul into the chorus to attract a mare.
Oh goddamn it, Gary! Are you trying to frighten all the unicorns into transforming back into rainbow sprites? Hey, you pick that Flower Crown up off the ground this instant! Because I am not explaining to your mother how I let her oldest son get dazzled to death by a unicorn's sparkling mane because he thought the protective flower crown was "faggy." And watch your language.
There you go, boy. Good as new. Don't we make a fine pair? Just like the legendary Pixie Prince, and his son, Pixie Prince, Jr. Fearsome unicorn slayers we make! In fact, hold up, I just have to get a picture of us together with these Heart Spears! Here, we'll have to get in close to get both of us in the shot, these stupid cell phones have terrible lenses! Gary, stop looking at your feet. Okay, 1-2-3 Sunshine!

Son, Exactly What is Gay about a Unicorn Hunt with Your Dad - Image 2

Gary! Don't you dare throw down your heart spear! It's a weapon! A dangerous, pink and purple heart-shaped weapon. I don't know Gary – maybe because a unicorn's heart is pink and purple – who knows why weapons are any color? FINE! If you think it's stupid at least cover it in the cotton candy sheathe the lady at the store gave us. Because they're rentals, Gary, and I put down a deposit!
Okay, Gary, that's it! Here are the keys to the Windstar. Go ahead and walk back to the car, sit there by yourself and listen to Smashmouth. I guess I'll just finish hunting this great beast all by my- Look Gary! Through the shimmering mists! We've found one!
Wow! Son, isn't it incredible? From the size of her horn I would say she is ready to start laying candy canes and hope. It's okay son – as long as you have love in your heart she won't fear us. What do you want to wish for, son? No, the unicorn can't fly you back to Tucson! It's not some cockamamie Pegasus!
Whoa! You spooked her. Gary, quick! Hug me! Come on Gary – it's the natural bond between a father and son that will bring her back to us! Don't you walk away mister! Did you see the size of her – I tell you her haunches are fat with wishes son! Now goddamn hug me! HUG YOUR OLD MAN!

Son, Exactly What is Gay about a Unicorn Hunt with Your Dad - Image 4

It worked! She's coming back! Good girl. See son? Isn't she majestic? Isn't she – NOW!
Come on, Gary! Pick up that crossbow and help me finish her off! I've got her stunned for now but I can't just braid her hair forever. Arrows? Son, it's already fully loaded with glitter, now give here one quick shot to the muzzle while I tickle her ribs with the heart spear! Stop groaning, Gary! Fine, you braid her hair while I take the Glitter Bow. Because if both of us stop braiding then we've got one alert, prancy fancy unicorn on our hands and I – fine, just give me the axe! There! That takes care of the head!
Quickly, now use the wish trowels to scoop out the intestines while they're still warm and full of coconut water! Oh, all of a sudden this is awesome, huh? I told you. Watch it. The head is still active. You wanna take the axe? Make sure to get it right on the soft spot behind the left eye. Wow! Clean kill son! See, this wasn't such a bad time after all, huh, buddy boy?
All right, now what's say you and may claim a few hard-earned wishes? It's easy son, just hold the horn in your hand. Now rub it up and down like this. Come on Gary, rub with me! Gary? Gary? Where are you- GAAAAARY!



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