1. Finally sit down to watch Dr. Strangelove and see where all of the jokes and references he's made over the years actually came from.
2. Adopt a Yorkshire Terrier, name it Raeus, introduce it to people as his pet, Raeus, and laugh for fucking days.
3. Realize he has nothing left to lose and fuck for fucking days.
4. Grow his hair out, even if it means breaking a few mirrors trying to bash a hippie's brains in.
5. Add a "1" to the end of his passwords.
6. Think of a funny meaning for the CIA acronym and put it on t-shirts.
7. Sell his old fatigues to edgy high school seniors.
8. Drink a bunch of martinis and spy on his memory to see where it all went wrong.
9. Apologize to his wife with a flashmob and hope it goes viral.
10. Write an autobiography.
Alex Watt is on Twitter, Tumblr and an ego trip.