On November 14, 2012 the New York Times published a scathing review of Guy Fieri's restaurant recently opened in Times Square. This is his response.
Whoa, hombre! Mucho questions for the Guyster about my new BESTaurant, Guy's American Kitchen and Bar. First off, let me just say gracias or, grassy ass, as the Fieri Familia says for popping into my joint to get your grub on. Flavor Town is always happy to welcome one more dude or dudette, even if they're just passing through! And speaking of passing through (your bowels, specifically), I see you didn't have a chance to give Guy's Gargantuan Gallon of Gooey Grilled Grits a spin?! That's like Dexter Holland cutting off his corn-row braids: a big mistake! The Offsping was never the same after that!
But bummer! Seems like you didn't have a good time and if there's one thing Guy hates, it's anybody not having a good time! Seriously, I hate seeing people down in the dumps. And speaking of the dumps, I hope you didn't happen to order the Kickin' Chicken Fieri Fiesta Fajitas (with or without Douche Sauce) because the chicken shipment we got in last week was like Billy Zane in Titanic: It went bad, brotha!
Looks like you had a few problemo-s with the chow, the vibe and the RADitutde of the servers. I get it, buddy. I'm an acquired taste, just like our Chewy Moo-ey Big Beef Bonanaza Burger with Beddar Cheddar EZ Cheeze and Guy's S.O.G. Fries (Salt, Oil, Grease). Bee-Tee-Double-U, if you order Guy's S.O.G. Fries make sure you eat 'em right away. Otherwise they're like the 1994 Lillyhammer Winter Olympics: too cold!
Anywavy gravy (note to self: trademark 'anywavy gravy' as one of Guy's Signature Sauzes), I wanted to answer all of the ninety-eight questions in your review with one word: Yes! That's my answer for everything! "Guy, do you want to wear another wristband on your forearm this season of Triple D?" Yes! "Guy, do you want to write a cookbook with Smash Mouth?" Yes! "Guy, do you want to open a Times Square mega-restaurant and stack your down home dirty grub up against vaunted local competitors like Per Se, Le Bernardin and Del Posto even though you know it will be ravaged in the press like a twice-fried corn dog topped with melted queso at a Feiri family pig-out-a-thon?" Yes!
"Guy, are you a time traveler from 1997?" Yes!
Sue me for being positive, New Dork Times! I just want to share a little love, a little rock n' roll and whole mess a' easy, greasy, tubby grub with the good people of New York City (But mostly the tourists visiting New York City from what I call the "Guy-ble Belt" (patent pending)). And hey, nobody said you had the eat the food or drink the glowing blue drinks. That's why we built the gift shop! We got ya covered, kimosabe! Spend your wampum at the Great White Hair's gift shop, and skip the tummy ache from too much firewater, chief!
So in closing (which Guy's American Kitchen and Bar will probably be doing in two years), me and my entire marketing department, business development team and legal staff are so sorry you didn't have a phat time chowing down at our new grub hub. We always appreciate feedback and next time the gang from the Times' swings by we'll be sure to feed it back to you in the form of new-and-improved menu items like a Guy-no-mite Grilled Cheese Sandwich (with Buttcrack Poppers) and our signature Cake, Batter and Bowl Ice DREAM Funday Sundae (with Frosted Tip whipped dip on top)! So be like Jennifer Love Hewitt at the end of "Can't Hardly Wait," and give us another chance!
Oh, and one more thing before I skiddaddle, duder: Lick my sweaty taint you pretentious, arrogant, pencil pushing dickweed. I hope you enjoy scribbling critiques for your own blog when the Internet finally kills your wheezing, geriatric husk of a business model, you irrelevant, chirping assbag. I'm an icon, you're artifact!
That felt so good, I'd eat it on a flip flop!