On November 14, 2012 the New York Times published a scathing review of Guy Fieri's restaurant recently opened in Times Square. This is his response.
Anywavy gravy (note to self: trademark 'anywavy gravy' as one of Guy's Signature Sauzes), I wanted to answer all of the ninety-eight questions in your review with one word: Yes! That's my answer for everything! "Guy, do you want to wear another wristband on your forearm this season of Triple D?" Yes! "Guy, do you want to write a cookbook with Smash Mouth?" Yes! "Guy, do you want to open a Times Square mega-restaurant and stack your down home dirty grub up against vaunted local competitors like Per Se, Le Bernardin and Del Posto even though you know it will be ravaged in the press like a twice-fried corn dog topped with melted queso at a Feiri family pig-out-a-thon?" Yes!
"Guy, are you a time traveler from 1997?" Yes!
Sue me for being positive, New Dork Times! I just want to share a little love, a little rock n' roll and whole mess a' easy, greasy, tubby grub with the good people of New York City (But mostly the tourists visiting New York City from what I call the "Guy-ble Belt" (patent pending)). And hey, nobody said you had the eat the food or drink the glowing blue drinks. That's why we built the gift shop! We got ya covered, kimosabe! Spend your wampum at the Great White Hair's gift shop, and skip the tummy ache from too much firewater, chief!
So in closing (which Guy's American Kitchen and Bar will probably be doing in two years), me and my entire marketing department, business development team and legal staff are so sorry you didn't have a phat time chowing down at our new grub hub. We always appreciate feedback and next time the gang from the Times' swings by we'll be sure to feed it back to you in the form of new-and-improved menu items like a Guy-no-mite Grilled Cheese Sandwich (with Buttcrack Poppers) and our signature Cake, Batter and Bowl Ice DREAM Funday Sundae (with Frosted Tip whipped dip on top)! So be like Jennifer Love Hewitt at the end of "Can't Hardly Wait," and give us another chance!
Oh, and one more thing before I skiddaddle, duder: Lick my sweaty taint you pretentious, arrogant, pencil pushing dickweed. I hope you enjoy scribbling critiques for your own blog when the Internet finally kills your wheezing, geriatric husk of a business model, you irrelevant, chirping assbag. I'm an icon, you're artifact!
That felt so good, I'd eat it on a flip flop!