The last time we talked about inventions I discussed my idea for license plates with EZ-Passes built in, a rolling suitcase that turns into a chair and a pillow for couples trying to watch TV on a couch. This time I have three new inventions and no big intro story because I kind of blew the one invention-related anecdote I had on that first article. Anyway, hopefully you can still enjoy the ideas without a long-winded introduction.
I'm the kind of guy that likes to show a little chest. It's not a sexual thing, it's that I have a barrel chest that makes shirts super tight if I don't let the twins breathe a bit. I usually wear my shirts with the top two buttons undone. If you're a Spanish lothario or a swashbuckler, this is a pretty great look. If you're a pasty comedy writer wearing an extra thirty pounds on your frame, it is not. Friends constantly make fun of my open-shirt lifestyle but I have no choice. Only leaving one button undone is extremely uncomfortable, stuffy and lame. My options are be comfortable but look like a sexual deviant with two buttons undone or be uncomfortable and look like a professor someone accidentally invited to the dorm party with only one button undone. That is why we must make shirts with a halfie button. It's a button halfway between the second and third buttons on a shirt. Just the right amount of breathing room for your lower-neck/upper chest and just the right amount of reserve for things like business meetings, dinners with parents and dates with women you'd rather not have think of you as a rapist.
What's the worst part of eating salsa? Sharing it. But there's nothing we can do about that, so we have to address the second worst part of eating salsa: Salsa Wrist. This problem affects 100% of salsa eaters and is a result of lazy jar design and your inability put salsa in a bowl instead of scooping it out of the jar. When the salsa level in the jar gets so low that you're forced to plunge your hand ever deeper into it, your wrist will inevitably make contact with the walls of the jar. It's like trying to get the funny bone out of the guy in Operation: impossible not to make contact with anything but every ounce of your concentration. This has resulted in billions of salsa-stained shirt cuffs or, worse, wrist skin cells freely mingling with what's left of that spicy black bean and roasted corn salsa rojo. Enter the Fathand Salsa Jar! Using patented "flower pot" technology, the Fathand Salsa Jar is wider at the top than it is on the bottom. Not only will this create a larger dippable surface area but it will eliminate the scourge of Salsa Wrist.
This next one isn't so much an invention as it is a law we should pass. I live in New York which is known for it's many beautiful buildings, it's exciting local nightlife and the world's loudest drivers. If you wait for so much as a second after a light changes to hit the gas, you will be serenaded by a chorus of screaming horns and look in your rearview mirror to see fifteen Armenian cab drivers cursing you in their native tongue. Therefore, the last decade of my life has been scored by a pretty much constant chorus of blaring horns. If you can believe it, I still don't like it. You know what I do like? The sound of a casino. The slot machines are all calibrated to play a pre-determined set of notes which fill casinos with an ethereal, pleasant single chord. It's soothing and exciting at the same time. Why don't we just calibrate car horns the same way? Each car company MUST create a horn that makes either a C, E or G note when beeped. Alone they'll still sound as annoying as ever, but put them together and you'll go from this
By the way, if you have a fun invention you don't mind giving out to the world, email it to me at Streeter.Seidell@CollegeHumor.com and I'll include it (with credit, of course) the next time I post one of these.