Dear Fro-Yo Sample Consultants,
As your Fro-Yo Sample Manager, please allow this memo to serve as a final warning: all customers visiting our frozen yogurt establishment must sample each and every one of our four-hundred flavors of fro-yo per visit. Yes, you heard me correctly: that's PER VISIT. Failure to provide customers with adequate fro-yo flavor sampling may result in a demotion, termination, or worse.
Let me make this extremely clear, because it seems as if I didn't do so in Fro-Yo Sample Camp: We advertise that we have four-hundred flavors of fro-yo FOR A REASON. Not just any reason, but because we have FOUR-HUNDRED FLAVORS OF FRO-YO, including sweet potato fro-yo, breast milk fro-yo, and tree bark fro-yo. We can only keep our four-hundred flavor reputation by ensuring that each and every customer samples each and every one of our four-hundred flavors of fro-yo.
I try to keep public fro-yo criticism infrequent which, frankly, doesn't come so easy to the guy who basically invented modern fro-yo but after having to kindly remind so many of you to "keep the customer a-sampling" IN FRONT OF THE ACTUAL CUSTOMER, I felt that typing, printing, and posting this memo around our fro-yo establishment was appropriate.
Now you're reading it.
Many of you have responded to my criticism by asking, what if the customer isn't interested in fro-yo samples after their 43rd sample, disregarding hundreds of other delicious fro-yo flavors? To that I say, who can't sell free fro-yo, possibly the EASIEST thing to sell in the whole entire world? I mean, do people like free money? It's basically the same thing.
Some of you have asked HOW to keep a customer a-sampling more so, won't a customer a-sampling through all four-hundred flavors of fro-yo surpass what a normal human can possibly eat and vastly exceed the surgeon general's recommended intake of sugar? No. Our fro-yo is so light, airy and delicious that it's basically like not eating anything at all. You could inject our fro-yo directly into someone's veins and they wouldn't feel much besides a little chilly.
A few of you have asked, what if the customer doesn't want to sample a certain fro-yo flavor? To that I say tough! That's life. There's fro-yo you like, there's fro-yo you don't like. Just like there's good, there's evil. Just like there's Batman, there's The Joker. Just like there's blueberry cotton-candy fro-yo, there's asparagus fro-yo. Just like there's margarine fro-yo, there's cow blood fro-yo. Deal with it! Deal with ALL of it!
If any of this makes you nervous, don't fear, my Fro-Yo Sample Consultants. I've developed Fro-Yo Sampling Guidelines to help you on your journey. It is a journey, after all. Let's begin.
1. GREET each customer that enters our fro-yo shop with a tray of all four-hundred flavor samples. Yes, that's a lot of samples. Yes, this is a large tray.
2. INFORM the customer of the day's new fro-yo flavors and provide a sample as you announce each new flavor loudly and proudly.
3. FOLLOW the customer with your sample tray to the self-serve fro-yo stations. Each self-serve station is a perfect opportunity for you to provide a fro-yo sample as the customer decides which flavor they want.
4. MATCH the customer's self-served fro-yo with toppings. Each topping has a specific fro-yo flavor it can be paired with. Help the customer decide on toppings by providing more samples of fro-yo.
5. SHOW the customer all of the great fro-yo flavors that they didn't try or buy. Shove what's remaining of your fro-yo samples into their fro-yo self-serve cup. If you run out of room, fill up one of the fro-yo sample to-go buckets under the register.
6. PULL THE EMERGENCY FRO-YO LEVER if the customer attempts to leave our fro-yo establishment without a-sampling all fro-yo flavors. The lever immediately drops all four-hundred samples of fro-yo from the ceiling onto the customer, doing all of the work for you.
As your Fro-Yo Sample Manager, it's my duty to ensure that you're prepared to have customers sample all four-hundred flavors of fro-yo, including mahi-mahi fro-yo, gasoline fro-yo and baby-wipe fro-yo. Using my Fro-Yo Sampling Guidelines, now you are.
Always remember: If a customer is full, fro-yo will help her lose weight. If a customer is sick, fro-yo is his cure. If a customer is unable to take in food through the mouth, get some fro-yo all up in their goddamn food tubes!
Allow me to remind you once more of what you're all capable of: providing customers with the most flavorful experience possible while in this fro-yo shop. If you would like to take this memo with you for reference, feel free to tear it down and put it in your pocket. There's another memo hanging right behind it.
Alex J. Mann is a writer living in New York City. You can follow him on Twitter here
Stock photos from Shutterstock