How Machines Really Work
By Mike Trapp
Radiators We see a cross-section of of a radiator. Inside the tubes are hollow, except for a wheel with fanblades and a hammer. Above that is a metal pan. Along the bottom is little statue peeing into a pond. Labels: Knob: Convenient knob gives occupant the comforting illusion that they can control how hot the room is. Steam: High-pressure steam moves through the radiator, forcing the Hammer Turbine to revolver Hammer Turbine (tiny hammer on a revolving fan thing): Steam moves the turbine, allowing a tiny hammer to clang againt the sides all fucking night for no god damn reason. Tiny River: To counteract the disruptive hammer sound, we’ve installed a tiny statue to replicate the soothing sound of your roommate peeing into a Snapple bottle. ATMs We see an ATM screen. A pulled out cross-section shows a finger on one side of the screen and tiny sensors on the other side labeled “fingerprint sensors.” There’s a little vent at the top. Labels: Touch Screen: Touch screen identifies user based on fingerprint. If the user not identified as you (the person reading this right now), the computer will automatically slow processing speeds to half the speed it runs at when you use it. Arrows pointing off the paper: (not pictured) To the right is a manual ATM, that does everything an ATM does, but much more slowly and inefficiently. It is also known as a bank. Air Defreshener: Is that the smell of human urine, or the synthetic smell of human urine? It doesn’t matter! The air defreshener means every trip to the ATM is a trip to hobo stench. Printers Cross section of a printer shows rollers that pull the paper through then into a mechanical claw hand with rollers on the other side. Inside is also a tiny bucket labeled “ink drain” and a tiny robotic orchestra Labels: Crumpler: Paper is pulled into the printer with rollers and processed into the the crumpler, which has been shown to crumple paper ten times more efficiently than human hands. Ink Drain: Extra ink reservoir lets printer display “low ink” alert, regardless of how much ink is available. Robotic Philharmoic Orchestra: Helps set the rhythm of printing while there is a job. When there is not a job, plays whatever sounds it damn well wants. Keurig Instant Coffee Machines Shot of a Keurig Machine. Close-up of the cup system looks just like it does in this picture, only on the bottom, after the filter there’s the lower half of a rat.. Description: When you insert your K-Cup and press the brew button, holes are punctured in the top and bottom of the K-Cup, breaking the freshness seal. Hot, pressurized water is forced into the K-Cup, and your freshly brewed beverage is dispensed through the filter, through a rat’s digestive track, out the rat’s anus, and into your waiting cup. Ice Machine A cross-section showing the inside of the ice dispenser with a glass pressing against the lever. Inside is a series of trap doors and canisters. Labels: 1 Quart Containment Unit: Special holding unit ensures that ice is always dispensed in one quart increments. Who would ever need less than that. Time delay trap: Special time delay door releases one ice cube the moment you take your glass away Hair placement arm: Robotic arm will delicately place one small hair on top of the dispensed pile of ice. Users will wonder, did the hair come from their glass? A bottle? The machine. This sense of mystery will enchant and disgust everyone who uses the machine. Cell Phones Cross section close-up of the “ear” portion of the phone. There’s a little tape inside the phone. Little valves are present along the side of the phone. Labels: Earpiece: Pre-recorded subliminal messages tell you what a strong, unique person you are every time you place a call, boosting your confidence, and making you stupidly defensive of anyone who criticizes your phone. Butter Jets: Tiny jets along the side exude slippery, slidy butter at random intervals, leading the user to drop the phone at unexpected times. Or maybe you’re just drunk. Stop looking for an excuse. Take responsibility for once in your life. How old are you now? Come on.