By You Have Been Canceled
DUE TO BAD RATINGS, YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN CANCELED TO: You@gmail.com FROM: ExProducer@gmail.com SUBJECT: Your Upcoming Renewal Following a lot of thought and some very constructive debate, we have decided that after over 20 phenomenal seasons not to renew You for a 24th season. I’m sure this does not come as a complete shock. The numbers don’t lie and the story they tell is that You just don’t attract the audience You did back in the first few seasons. In all of our primary target demos – the young, the attractive, the wealthy – interest in You has waned to season 19 levels, and while the college story arc managed to save that debacle I’m afraid we’ve reached our zenith here. I don’t want it being said that we didn’t do our part to make You a success. If anything we went above and beyond to expand the brand, really pumping up the web presence, increasing the number of tweets per day, commenting on twice as many tagged photos, and registering for a Tumblr. But in the end we still end up with 64 friends and a mere 111 twitter followers. The suits upstairs want to see a Kim the Girl Who Lives Down The Hall in 5D friend count, they want to see how we grow to Kim numbers. And let’s face it, with nana at death’s door and after what you said to Kyle at the beer garden last weekend we’re probably going to be shedding not spreading. Try to think of the positive here. We’re extremely proud of the work we’ve done thus far and stand by our product. We knew You would be a genuine smash soon after inception. I mean, I keep thinking back to the premiere, when you popped right out of Your Mom’s uterus - Classic! The critics tried to pin You as just the same-ol’, same-ol’ and sure, a lot of projects start out with something barreling through a uterus, but that didn’t stop everybody from raving about You. It was like You were a goddamn miracle! But in the last couple of seasons it has been clear the writers just hit a rut. We’re running office episodes where You getting up to use the printer is the climactic event. We’ve tried damn all to make Excel Spreadsheets thrilling but the audience just isn’t going for it anymore and frankly, You don’t seem to like it much either. And every episode ends the same - Netflix, Stouffer’s, beer and then bed. It’s like You have just become a routine. And so help me God if I have to do one more Halloween episode... to the moon, Ethel! Originally we hoped You would end up a ninja, or make that presidential run, or get lost in space. But the budget just wasn’t there and we decided to give You full creative control after Season 5. Our bad. Would it have made a difference had we cast You as fitter, sexier and smarter? Absolutely. You tested very well early on, but I can’t help thinking most of those early focus groups that said You were perfect just as You are may have just tried to be nice. Again, that’s on us. It’s a pity America won’t get the opportunity to see how You resolve all those remaining major plot threads. How will that date tomorrow pan out? What will You get Dad for Christmas this year? Will You finally stop pretending and cancel that gym membership? Should a spider bite be swelling up like that? I know some of these stories have been building momentum for multiple seasons, but I guess some stories were never meant to be fully told. So that’s it bucko. Again, You had a pretty great run. Some projects don’t survive the pilot phase. Like remember, Jimmy? Of course not - because Jimmy got hit by a train in season 9! One day Jimmy is all people could talk about and then - Boom - No Jimmy. I read the blogs and the fans were not happy with that ending. There are still people out there hoping Jimmy will get renewed, poor bastards. By comparison, a slow decline into irrelevance ain’t so bad, right? And while You will no longer be a starring vehicle, it’s thanks to You that we have Deb from HR and Marcos from the Flag Football Team starring in their own spin-off series! Luckily that means a lot of the same producers and actors who were such a big part of You will find homes documenting the continuing and exciting adventures of Them. And it’s never really over. You may return to make a guest appearance in other people’s lives. You may even get a regular background role. Anything is possible. Except being an astronaut. Again, budget issues.