Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
6 Things Kate and Will's Royal Baby Has that You Don't
December 3, 2012
This buncha cells isn't even close to being a human, and it's already a billion times more famous than you'll ever be. It's a trending topic on Twitter and it hasn't even been born yet! People all over the world will care about what this baby is named. No one cares what your name is, and you know that's true because of the amount of times it's misspelled on the side of your coffee cup.
Princess Diana left Prince William somewhere in the neighborhood of $10 million when she died, and that pales in comparison to the overall value of the estate that he'll one day pass on to his firstborn child. Not to mention that every piece of money this kid's going to get has his or her great-grandma's
on it. Meanwhile, you have a bunch of coins spilled all over the surface of your dresser and a $50 gift card at Borders, which is now out of business.
3. A Career
Kate Middleton's baby will never have to ask
parents for money to go back to grad school because this time it definitely thinks it feels passionate about either sociology or forensic science. No, Kate Middleton's baby will be busy meeting dignitaries and playing polo and never ever questioning what it's doing with its life.
And, you know, the throne of 16 independent sovereign states including New Zealand, Australia and Barbados. If this future baby wants to evacuate Canada and use it as his/her personal wine cooler, it can! Well, okay, probably not. But the baby's got a better shot than you.
5. A Hot Aunt
This tiny fetus better hope it's a boy who doesn't have a problem with incestuous feelings, because it's going to be spending a lot of time around Pippa Middleton's butt. A
. Probably more time than it spends around Kate, William, or any other members of the royal family put together. If it's anything like people on the internet, that is.
6. A Genetic Predisposition Towards Balding
Sorry, royal baby. You can't have it all.
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