By Mike Trapp
These are audio tracks, maybe with a little GPS map to go along with them? Like a little arrow on an open highway for the cop one, and driving down a confusing road for the vague one.
Turn left in approximately... right now RIGHT NOW! Oh, man, you should have turned left just then. Recalculating. Make U-Turn...NOW. RIGHT NOW! Oh, dude, you missed it again.
IMAGE: Map shows car driving past turn. There is a dotted line showing how the car should have turned and a solid line leading to a U-Turn. At the topit says Turn left RIGHT NOW!
RECALCULATING! Would you like to continue to your destination by way of. WENDY’S. You have selected. NO. Did you mean. YES? You have selected. NO. Warning: Food energy power dangerously low. Please insert cheetos... Please insert cheetos... Please insert cheetos... Now Entering sleep mode.
IMAGE: Car on a highway. We’re zoomed out and dozens of Wendy’s locations have popped up on the map. At the top it says “Continue to Wendy’s I’m so hungry.”
What are you listening to? Please enter name of this garbage. In .3 seconds turn on Highway to Hell. Buh buh BUH. Highway to Hell. I’m on a Highway to Hell. Woo! Come on, man, you know the words.
IMAGE: Car on a highway you can see a little man sticking out the top of the car and throwing rocker horns. Maybe it can be a GIF that alternates betweenthe GPS map and the ACDC logo? All the info that’s normally displayed just shows Highway to Hell lyrics.
In .2 miles turn onto -- Arriving at cows! Cows cows cows! Look at them. Ha ha ha ha ha. Cows are so dumb. Oh, yeah, you should have turned left back there.
IMAGE: Car driving by a field. A barn is marked “McGiven’s Farm”. The route draws a line up to the barn. a few tiny cow icons litter the field. At the top it says, “Cows cows cows cows cows cows”
In 6 seconds roll down window. Three. Two. One. Pbbbbbbbbbt. Ha ha ha ha ha.
IMAGE: Car driving through a city with stink lines coming off the car. At the top it says “Pbbbbbbbbbbbt”
Estimated speed: Like, walking speed. Estimated arrival time: for fucking ever. There’s no one around. Let’s speed it up. Woo. Cop Cop Cop Cop Cop Cop Cop Cop. There’s a cop.
IMAGE: car driving down a long, straight, empty highway. Emptiness on either side is labeled. “Wilderness” and “middle of nowhere.” At the top it says Continue on road faster” Speed: and arrival time are listed as it says above.
On not the next street but the street after that you’re going to kinda turn. It’s not a REAL turn, but you should sort of veer to the right. Like a curvy turn. NOT LIKE THAT. RECALCULATING.
IMAGE: car driving through a weird complicated mess of roads. Route seems to extend across a couple of roads. At the top it just says “Hold on. WTF?!”
Arriving at gas station. Estimated gas cost: $60. Now reaching for wallet. Reaching... reaching... reaching... reaching... Ree-- GAS PAID.
IMAGE: Car stopped by a gas station icon. At the top it says “You’re the man.”